Catarac-ac-ac-ac-act

Did you know …

That when people or animals get cloudy eyes as they get older, that’s their mental fantasies crystallizing behind the lenses of their eyeballs? It’s true!

If you look into a cloudy eye very carefully from very close, you can actually see some of the fantasies! Be careful, though, sometimes they’re pretty gross. Yuck! Keep that stuff to yourself, Blindy!

Thinksgiving: Black Friday

Did you know …

That “Black Friday” was originally a day for getting rid of unwanted babies and children? It’s true! People would bring their least favorite kids out to the woods or a cornfield and shoo them off, White Fang style.

So how did the day we used to call “Lil’ Dumper Day” become the sweet-deals-holiday, Black Friday? Well, people who wanted a kid of their own or some unpaid farm laborers quickly realized that there wasn’t a better day than Lil’ Dumper Day to stock up. It would later get the name “Black Friday” when the Hallmark Corporation tried to rebrand it to sell greeting cards.

Thinksgiving: The Pit

Did you know …

That Thanksgiving is not only an event on the calendar, but also an event in the fabric of space and time? It’s true!

Have you ever heard of gravity compared to weights placed on a rubber sheet? An object with mass pulls down on the sheet, creating a depression and slope that other objects will roll down, like gravity pulling large objects together. It turns out that Thanksgiving (Thinksgiving) works the same way, except that it’s like a weight sitting on the rubber sheet of time.

In my case, I got too close to Thinksgiving and rolled down into its time pit. What was it like down there? Greasy. Greasy and dark.

In any case, it took me only moments to escape the time-well, but when I emerged it was already Sunday and I was lying in the woods surrounded by empty bean cans. Help me, Einstein, you’re my only hope!

Thinksgiving: sweet, sweet potatoes (not sweet potatoes, though)

Did you know …

That wild potatoes are poisonous? It’s true!

In fact, it’s not just wild potatoes that are poisonous, all potatoes are poisonous. But … if all potatoes are poisonous, and you’ve eaten so, so many potatoes, how is it that you haven’t been poisoned? Is that what you’re thinking? Well, you have been poisoned! That’s probably why it took you so long to even think of that question.

Yes, as I type this fact, toxic glycoalkaloids in your blood are slowly destroying your body. Soon you will begin to hallucinate. You may experience paralysis, fever, or hypothermia. Eventually, you will die.

Thinksgiving: Turkey, mashed potatoes and panacea

Did you know …

That cranberries are an effective antidote to pretty much every poison or venom? It’s true!

Many scholars believe that the reason cranberries were served at the first Thanksgiving was that everybody involved believed that everyone else intended on poisoning them. Indians thought that pilgrims wanted to poison them, pilgrims thought that indians wanted to poison them, the pilgrims thought that other pilgrims wanted to poison them, etc. What’s remarkable is that everyone seemed to be correct; there was so much poison at that first Thanksgiving dinner that, even centuries later, nothing will grow on that site. Thankfully, there were also a ton of cranberries there.

Thinksgiving: Ol' buckle-top

Did you know …

That pilgrims’ famous buckle hats were buckled for a reason? It’s true!

Apocryphal histories would have you believe that the pilgrims wore their dark, buckle-hatted outfits for reasons of religious modesty and piety. Not so! The “original pilgrims” at Plymouth were unlikely to have worn these costumes at all—they were more into standard old-timey farmer stuff. Buckle hats, etc, were more favored by a later group, who split apart from earlier groups due to differences in religious beliefs. The new group believed that God & Jesus liked nothing more than for one to smack oneself in the head with a brick (or probably a brick-sized rock in those days). These zealots were so into self-head-smashing that many took to wearing buckled hats to keep their cracked up brainboxes together. Gross!

Thinksgiving: Turkeys

Happy Thanksgiving week! To celebrate America's holiday of having Natives donate things to them, all this week your Daily Science Fact will be on the theme of "Thinksgiving."

Did you know ...

That, contrary to popular opinion, turkeys are the most intelligent bird? It’s true!

I’m sure you’ve all heard anecdotes about turkeys drowning to death by looking up with their beaks open when it rains, and, yes, this is 100% true. Not all turkeys die when it rains, but a significant portion of them do. Then again, pretty much anything can die this way, so I don’t think it makes sense to count it as a strike against turkey intelligence.

The fact of the matter is that turkeys have many, many points supporting their intelligence. Turkeys are good at abstract maths. Turkeys understand syntax and can speak just about any human language given enough exposure. Turkeys are highly artistic.

In contrast, all other birds are extremely stupid. The bald eagle, for instance, is known to peck holes in its own body while trying to scratch its balls (I don't know if they even have balls), and no black capped chickadee has ever held a political stance that was different from its parents'.

Unfortunately, turkeys also hate themselves (probably because of their gross wattles), so most hurl themselves in front of shotguns and onto dinner tables, or just turn their heads upwards in a rainstorm, and end their lives before they ever accomplish much.

Turkeys, you have so much more to offer.

Time travel 101

Did you know …

That, should you forget to post a blog entry one day, you can GO BACK IN TIME AND FIX IT THE NEXT DAY?!?!?! It’s true.

I would not, however, want to create the impression in any readers that this is at all easy. Maybe some day time machines will be available at every corner store and lemonade stand, but these days unless you work at a university or an industrial time travel operation, you have to resort to homebrew science so muddy and messy it’s practically “magic.”

In my case, I had to destroy something I loved, I had to take blood from my own open vein, and I had to enter a state of drug induced open-mindedness. The mental thing is to make the whole process smoother (human brains didn’t evolve to deal with temporal loops and detours), the blood is keep the time-rift open, and the destruction of the beloved item is, of course, to tear the rift open in the first place. The object I used in this case was my neighbor’s mailbox, full of my neighbor’s mail. (Honestly, I mostly picked that because I couldn’t think of anything that belongs to me legally that I was willing to destroy, but the mailbox worked in the end and you can’t argue with the results.)

The ingredients are relatively simple, but the mechanism is much more complicated than my summary. I hope to spend more time on time travel in the future! (Or … in the past!)

The Key

Did you know …

That any key will open any locked door? It’s true!

Lock companies have long relied on the public not knowing that you pretty much just need any key-shaped thing to open any lock-shaped lock. All those little jaggy things on the “key” are more or less ornamental.

How do I know this? I’m writing this post from my neighbor’s closet! Turns out that my neighbor loves two things: locks and pornography! Stick with the porn, Don, because the locks aren't doing you any good.

You take a toilet and you roll it up in a shower ...

Did you know …

That the toiletshower is the hottest new invention? It’s true!

Or it will be true! I invented it last night, in my dreams. Acknowledging, of course, that I will find you and force you to eat your own family if you try to steal this idea, here’s how it works: it’s basically a regular toilet with a shower over it. Is this for cleaning your toilet? Not really. Is it for cleaning yourself, you know, down there? No! It will exist so that you can enjoy a nice hot shower as you also enjoy a nice hot bowel movement!

Now, in the dream I was fully clothed as I used the toiletshower (as I usually am when I use the toilet), and I didn’t see a problem with it. But I can imagine that some people wouldn’t want to get their clothing completely drenched every time they sit down on the can, so I suggest that you start shooting your dukes in the nude. I’d like to claim credit for inventing the concept of pooping naked, but I suppose cavemen figured that one out first.

Oh well. One out of two isn’t bad!

Fireman!

Did you know …

That “firemen” don’t invent or ignite fires, but, instead, they actually put them out? It’s true!

Almost 100% of the time, a fireman specializes in extinguishing fires. In those rare exceptions, where a fireman specializes in starting fires, the other firemen band together to hunt down this “dark fireman.” Once he has been caught, and after the ensuing battle if there is one, the “bright firemen” typically put him to death, usually by inserting a firehouse in one or both of his ends. There’s a special ceremony that accompanies this sentence, but no non-firemen have ever witnessed it.

Oh, also, firemen are required to attend four years of fire college, where they learn the secrets of the flame.

Parrot Intelligence

Did you know ...

That an adult parrot is as intelligent as a 12-year-old human? It's true!

However, the 12-year-old had been taking lead supplements for years, or something like that, and he has the intelligence of a 3-year-old human. So, on the balance, parrots aren't that smart. They regularly electrocute themselves while trying to eat light bulbs.

"Ghastly ghost, watching me scrub"

Did you know …

That it was on this day, November 18, in the year 1802, that the first ghost was officially discovered? It’s true!

While people had been reporting ghost sightings for years, authorities considered all of the supposed witnesses to be too poor to give a reliable account. So it wasn’t until 1802, when the 75-year-old Duke of Gloucester reported seeing a spirit as he (the Duke, not the spirit) took his evening bath, that the existence of ghosts was officially confirmed.

The ghost in question was apparently that of a young woman, and was observed sitting on a stool next to the Duke’s bathtub, eating ghostly chestnuts and watching as the Duke bathed. The Duke attempted to roust the ghost, but she would not move. Whether she could not hear or if death threats are simply not threatening to the already-dead isn’t clear. The Duke himself refused to get out of the tub until the lady left, several hours later, when she finished her chestnuts. By this point he was nearly hypothermic, and disgustingly pruny. When he was sufficiently warmed and smoothed, the Duke ordered the house searched for the ghost, so that she could be punished somehow. That she was never found, the Duke claimed, was proof enough that the bath-watcher was a ghost, and not, as others have claimed, just a servant whose face the Duke had never bothered to remember. This was sufficient evidence for the authorities (the Wales Office, I believe) to declare ghosts “both real and offensive in their lasciviousity.”

Bark Mills

Did you know …

Where leather comes from? I’ll tell you!

Leather is actually the innermost bark of the cork oak, or Quercus suber. It’s true! Cork is the middle layer of the cork oak’s bark, and then bark is the outer layer of its bark.

Unfortunately, removing the inner layer of bar, the leather, invariably kills the tree. This wouldn’t be such a big deal (because who doesn’t like to kill a tree now and again?), except for the fact that cork oaks are also unique in that they bleed profusely and scream in an almost human voice. “Scientists” of the past believed that this was because a spirit live in the tree, but we know today that it’s only because the tree is in incredible pain as it dies, and is probably thinking of its kids or something.

Lol. Trees, man.

PS—Regarding the image included in this post: it may look pretty grisly, but what you’re seeing is actually tanned leather being dyed red. They do, however, use tree blood for the red dye.

Einstein's dream

Did you know …

That the Alfred Einstein only ever had one dream, but he had it every night of his life? It’s true!

Said Einstein:

“I walk through the tall grass to a pond. I close my eyes, bend down, and drink from the pond. The water is only ok, but I drink it. I open my eyes, and I see by my reflection that I’m a horse, a prehistoric horse on the oligocene grasslands of ancient North America. I see another horse. I must kill this horse.”

Right on, Einstein!!!

Brontopat

Did you know …

That brontosaurus and apatosaurus are the same dinosaur? It’s true! And I bet you already did know that!

Here’s a bonus question and fact: Have you ever condescendingly corrected someone after hearing them use the name brontosaurus, saying that that’s not a real dinosaur, because those stupid early paleontologists put the wrong head on an apatosaurus skeleton and named this foolish chimera “brontosaurus”? And that when modern smart people—like you—came along, the dinosaur was given an appropriate name for its appropriate head? I bet you have!

Well hear this: you are the worst person in the room right now, and probably also the dumbest. I bet you also spout erroneous information about the potency of daddy long legs’ venom.

You are incorrect about the brontosaurus. O.C. Marsh discovered the same dinosaur twice, and Marsh was such a lunging blowhard that he named it twice too, because the second specimen was larger than the first (which was most likely not fully grown when it died.) Apatosaurus beat brontosaurus by two years, so technically that name was more appropriate. “Brontosaurus” just stuck in the public consciousness because that skeleton was larger and more complete, and it was the first mounted sauropod dinosaur. And, yeah, Marsh didn’t put the “right” skull on brontosaurus, but that’s because it didn’t have a skull—he did what paleontologists still do today, and constructed a skull based on the skulls of what he believed were the most closely related species (of those species whose remains included a skull.) In this case, the substitute skull (Marsh used Camarasaurus) turned out to be much more robust than the diplodocid sort of skull that we would eventually discover belonged to brontosaurus-cum-apatosaurus, but it wasn’t a bad guess, given what was available at the time.

So, you know what? You’re a monster. Go get yourself arrested. And tell the police that you’ve been kidnapping and eating children, too, just so they don’t mistake how truly bad you are.

Sweat Dreams

Did you know …

That when you sweat, that’s actually your body crying? It’s true!

But let me ask you this: what have you been doing to your body to make it cry so much? You’re a living Trail of Tears!

The cola-drinker's cola

Did you know …

That Coca-Cola is chemically identical to Pepsi Cola? It’s true! The “difference” in flavor is all in your head.

Other identical things made supposedly distinct by cultural perceptions:

-Asian and African elephants

-Sand and dirt

-All those goddamn kinds of clouds

-Elbows and assholes

-Hoagies and grinders

-Worms and dirt

-Square dancing and line dancing

-Buzzards and condors

Can you think of any other examples? Write them in the comments!

Bunsen Bummer

Did you know …

That the common piece of laboratory equipment the “bunsen burner” was not, in fact, named by the tool’s co-designer Robert Bunsen? Nor was it named by the mechanic who constructed the device for Bunsen, Peter Desaga. Nope!

The Bunsen burner earned its name after Jefferson Charles, the man whose wife Bunsen had been “porking like a hog farm” (Bunsen’s words, not mine), attempted to use one to burn down Bunsen’s lab.

Unfortunately for poor Herr Charles, the burner was not plugged into a gas nozzle, and so could not create a flame. Also, the building he was attempting to burn wasn’t even Bunsen’s lab, it was the shed where the University of Heidelberg kept its rakes and stuff. And, of course, Bunsen wasn’t even in the shed—he at Charles’ house, having a nice morning in with Charles’ wife.

When a groundskeeper discovered Jefferson attempting to ignite the burner (and the shed), Jefferson attempted to shoot himself. Fortunately (or not?) for Jefferson, he attempted to shoot himself using the Bunsen burner. 

What a rascal!

And I thought candy was Nature's candy.

Did you know …

That fruit is Nature’s candy? It’s true, apparently!

What does this say about Nature?

That you probably shouldn’t trick-or-treat at Nature’s house. Try putting a razorblade into a Werther’s Original—it’s a lot harder than hiding one in, like, a strawberry. It just makes me a little suspicious of Nature’s motives. Come to think of it, though, you probably shouldn’t trick-or-treat anywhere they’re handing out Werther's, either.

Does this seem like observational humor? If you like. But keep it in mind next year.

Science Fair Ideas

Science Fair Ideas

Did you know …

That science fairs are a thing? It’s true!

I don’t know or care about most of the stuff children do. But I do remember that they sometimes hold science contests in gymnasiums and libraries. I can only assume that the exhibited projects are just awful. We’re talking about children, after all, and to my knowledge there hasn’t been a truly brilliant child  since Baby Einstein. So I thought I’d dedicate this Daily Science Fact to some science fair project ideas, courtesy of the Washingtom Factcat himself. (I say “courtesy,” but please don’t mistake me; these ideas are not free. If you’re interested in using one, please contact me, and I’ll work out the details with the Factcat.)

Cardiacano

This is a play on the classic papier mache volcano. But instead of an eruption of baking soda, vinegar and food coloring, this one will erupt a combination of baking soda, vinegar and blood. Judges might not know that it’s blood, so be sure to tell them. Then tell them that it’s a model of your grandfather’s heart. Where should you get the blood? Don’t be ridiculous. Blood is all around you.

Spiderhouse Rules

Fill a jar with spiders. What are the rules of Spiderhouse? There are no rules! Be sure to prepare the jar far enough ahead of time so that only one or two spiders are left alive. These are the spider bosses, strongest of all spiders, and if you can get them on your side, you’ll have something much more valuable than a blue ribbon.

Germanation

Do a series of trials in which you try to discover what conditions are most favorable to seed germination. Try playing with moisture, temperature, soil, etc. What conditions are associated with the fastest germination? Which produce the most healthy seedlings? Present your results in German on a poster board covered in swastikas. When the judges or school administrators ask you about it, tell them that you’re a German Buddhist. If they question this explanation, just own up to what it actually means, you filthy little Nazi. You disgust me.

Puppetmaster

Try to make a puppet come to life. Try filling it with guts. If they ask you where you got your materials, just say, “Duh. The puppet store, you idiot.”

Ratrat

Take two rats, and put them in adjacent terrariums, so they can see each other but not talk to each other. Then, tape a note to each aquarium so that the notes face the other aquarium. Each rat will be able to read the other’s note, but not their own. Have one note say, “I love you, rat.” Have the other note say, “IM GOING TO KILL YOU RAT.” Give the rats a few days to look at each other and each other’s notes. See what they do.

Big

Come to school wearing an adult’s clothing, and try to fire your teachers. Why do you think each one responded the way they did? On your display, show photographs of your teachers’ houses and families. Try firing them again.

Good luck, junior scientists!

Cat memories

Did you know …

That the average housecat is able to remember, in detail, every event of its life in the last 15 years? It’s true! That means that a lot of cats have perfect recall for the duration of their lives!

Unfortunately for the cats, the average housecat also only has the intelligence of a 3-week-old baby. So cats have all these memories, but they can’t ever really understand them. It’s sort of like filling a sack with photographs and then drawing a face on the sack. Or like Benjamin Button when he turns into a baby before he dies.