Cause and Effect: Eating, and what comes after

Did you know …

That it was Sir Isaac Newton, patron saint of gravity, apples, luscious hair, and syphilis, who first discovered that the things we put into our main head-hole (foods) become the things that we extrude from our bottom-vent and seat-splitter (1’s and 2’s).

Obviously humans had observed the occasional connection between their input and output when, for example, they recognized a tooth, coin, or partially digested mouse in their chamber pot, but these things were thought to be flukes and coincidence, and the general consensus was that the bulk of the material produced by the human body was the result of, like, spontaneous biogenesis (or whatever the turd equivalent of that would be, anyway). It wasn’t until Newton came along that all that crap was officially considered to be used food.

Newton believed that using oneself as the subject of one’s own experiments was unethical and bad science, so he set up a long-running trial in which he controlled all the food and non-food items that his neighbor consumed, and observed all of the neighbor’s physical output. (The neighbor, of course, had no idea this was happening.) Eventually Newton declared that he could definitively link what we eat to what we blast. The neighbor, sadly, ended the experiment by dying (you can’t really thrive on alternating meals of uncooked rye and stewed prunes, it turns out), but Newton had nearly five years of data at that point, and he felt that was good enough. It had to be, in any case.

The precise mechanisms through which food turns into human garbage weren’t explored until the 20th century (I think that was an Einstein joint), but that’s a story for another day.

Big A's Big 5

Did you know …

That it was the Greek philosopher Aristotle who first codified the rankings of the most hilarious subject matter? It’s true!

According to Aristotle, the top five most rib-tickling subjects are (in descending order):

1. Male genitalia
2. Butts
3. Feces
4. Animals/ugly children
5. Personal injury

You may have noticed that we stick pretty closely to that list here at the Daily Science Fact. This isn’t because we (DSF staff) are going for cheap laughs, it’s because the things we (humans in general) find humorous are also often the things that intrigue us the most (intellectually). Like a fat little baby bear falling out of an apple tree (#4), or a man who gets his bottom (#2) stuck in the turlet (#3), or a French gendarme slipping on vomit and falling into an electrified fence (#5), or boners (#1). These things are “funny” for a reason; they make us think about how the world around us works. Aristotle didn’t get to that until later.

A note: Why isn’t “female genitalia” on the list? I think that it probably is, but it just didn’t make the top five. Philosophers in recent times have toyed with rearranging the list to include female genetalia, but never got past the dilemma of misogyny through exclusion vs placing vaginas next to feces and personal injury on any list.

Fish Feelings

Oh, what’s this stuck to the back of my knee? Yuck! It’s Camping Knowledge! I don’t know how I could have missed it, but it must have been there since I got back, just . . . just feasting on my juices. Ugh. Get  tweezer.

Did you know …

That fish do have feelings? It’s true! It’s so true, I suspect we may have talked about it already.

In any case, contrary to popular belief, fish really do have feelings. And, no, I’m not about to pull a little switcheroo on you and be all, “I’m talking about emotional feelings! LOL!” Dumb. No, I’m talking about actual feelings. Feelings of pressure, heat, pain, etc. Fish feel things, just like us.

The main difference in fishes’ perception of feelings is that they don’t experience them until the moment before they die. So you can indeed filet a fish alive, and it won’t give half a crap . . . until seconds before it croaks. In those final moments, the fish will experience all the pain of having its muscles pulled from its skeleton, as well as any other pain it might have encountered in its life (although, comparatively, this would be relatively minor, and probably isn’t noticeable over the filleting thing).

Interestingly, this is also when fish experience their emotional feelings, the ones I wasn’t going to mention. So a fish will swim through its whole dumb life, numb in body, numb in heart, and then at the very end it will suddenly be filled with nightmarish pain and thoughts of lost friends and life-defining love that it never before understood. This combination is probably why fish appear as if they are about to vomit right before they die (I don’t think fish can vomit, though, so there are probably some feelings of disappointment thrown on top of everything else).

How does ebola work?

Did you know …

That this post isn’t actually about Zaire ebolavirus, or “ebola”? It’s true! You dumb sucker!

This post is about how the human brain works—your brain. You saw some headline about ebola, and you’re all worried about getting the disease, or you’re some kind of pervert who thought about bleeding eyeballs and thought, “Oh, this is for sure going to be sweet, why do I keep buying such complicated belts,” or you know me and/or are related to me and just are reading this post as a matter of course. If the latter is true, I’m very sorry for the image of someone struggling to get into their own pants while thinking about hemorrhagic fever, but, in any case, whether you’re my mother, colleague, dear friend, worry wart, or friendly deviant, you’ve been the victim of “clickbait.” Yeah, there is a lot wrong with you, but this particular situation isn’t entirely your fault.

You see, “clickbait” or “clickbates” are intricately crafted psychological traps, typically set by human-like computers or computer-like humans to ensnare the attention of bumpkins. Each distinct clickbia is designed to attract you, or some bumpkin, via your most base compulsions. Once you’ve looked at it (or swallowed the bait), the clickbait construct snags a lobe deep inside your brain—typically the hypothalamus, I believe. At that point, what are you supposed to do? Jerk away and potentially dislodge your ‘thalamus? Nope, you’re snagged. So you sit back, and just fill the master-baiter’s pockets with your precious attention, money, and pictures of your privates.

Fortunately for you, this is an academic scenario only, and you have encountered a benevolent baiter. Unfortunately for you, you’ve probably just learned what sort of lascivious feelings a brutal, tragic epidemic can stir in your soul, and I have to think that that’s a lot to deal with on a Monday night, or whenever you’re reading this. Good luck, dude.

PS—I’m filling in my missed days, so if you missed getting smarter while I was camping, check out "last week's" entries! There’s fresh knowledge from the great outdoors there! If you’re reading this in the future, or just hitting the “Press For Facts” button, I don’t know. You’re operating beyond my understanding and control.