Friday, January 31, 2014

Here's a hint: Bundt sounds like butt.


Did you know …


That Thomas Edison also invented the Bundt pan (for making Bundt cakes)? It’s true!

Why did Edison invent a cake pan with a hole in its center? That you don’t want to know! I’ll say this, however: Nikola Tesla attempted to file several sexual harassment claims against Edison for his behavior with the pan around the workshop (although people took sexual harassment even less seriously back then, and all Nikola got for his trouble was a slap on the back of the head.)

Thursday, January 30, 2014

A major drag.


Did you know …

That dragons aren’t real? It’s true! Sadly, scientists can find no physical evidence of dragons as described in fairy tales. That’s not to say that scientists have stopped looking for dragons altogether, but … so far, no luck.

If you come across a Komodo “dragon” at any point, don’t be fooled; Komodo dragons are nothing but dumb lizards with hearts full of lies and mouths full of microbial toxins.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Souper idea


Did you know ...

That Henry Ford's favorite invention (of those he created) wasn't the process of manufacturing automobiles by assembly line, but the bread bowl? It's true!

We've talked about soup before, and we've talked about cans, and Ford was a "huge, huge fan" of both. He became obsessed with creating a vessel for food that was also food itself.

His first attempt was to make a soup bowl out of dried soup, but the bowl immediately dissolved (seems sort of crazy that such an astute thinker thought the bowl would resist its own solvent). Unfortunately for his house servants, Ford then overcorrected in the direction of non- or quasi-edible bowl materials. I say "for his servants" because after Ford's children developed kidney problems (his second version was made from salt), he insisted that the house staff test out his inventions. Ford had his maids and butler eating bowls made of compressed talc, woven grass, carved wax, balsa wood, etc. It's no wonder that they were so thrilled when he finally arrived at the bread bowl. What's a greater coincidence, I suppose, is that the invention turned out to be appealing even to humans who hadn't previously been forced to eat discarded construction materials.

The man was an innovator!

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Eflanzees


Did you know …


That many anthropologists believe that the elves of European folklore are based on extremely old (and evolved) oral histories of chimpanzees? It’s true!


When you look at the similarities, it seems almost obvious. Both elves and chimps live in the forest. Both steal babies. Both poop, like, wherever they want. Both sing beautiful songs. Both hunt and eat monkeys. Neither have tails. Both have hands for feet. Also, there was that part in Lord of the Rings where Gildor threw his own feces at Frodo and bit off part of Pippin’s foot.

Monday, January 27, 2014

Crybabies


Did you know …

That no one likes a crybaby? It’s true! So if you ever want to have friends, you have to learn how to suck it up and turn off the waterworks now and again.

Many scientists believe that our ingrained aversion to crybabies springs from the universal disgust and contempt we hold for actual babies. So when someone sees you crying about something, you subconsciously remind them of a gross little baby, and they immediately experience the biological imperative to avoid you, or set you on a raft made of grass and dirt and send you down a river, or something.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Heavy petting


Did you know …

That it’s a misconception (albeit a very common one) that cats like to be pet? It’s true! Cats hate being petted!

We only started petting cats about 150 years ago. Before that the idea of petting a cat was unthinkable to essentially anyone who wasn’t a sociopath. Let alone the hygiene issues, it was widely known that cats found petting to be intensely uncomfortable. In the 1860s, however, proponents of clean, healthy living (Kellogg and his ilk—think whole wheat and cold showers) began to spread the message that content cats gave off pheromones that excited the libido and poisoned the blood. To keep cats in a state of pheromone-free discontent, they advocated regular cat-petting. Cats, not being very smart, have no idea how to deal with this torture other than to sit still and wheeze.

The whole idea of pheromones was nonsense, of course, and probably stemmed from one of Sylvester Graham’s many excuses for his sex addiction.

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Plaque?!


Did you know …

That dental “plaque” is an award your teeth get for eating lots of candy? It’s tr … ha ha ha! Just kidding! There are very few awards given for poor dental hygiene these days, which is kind of sad when you think about it. Everyone likes to be recognized for the things they’re good at.

Also, dental plaque is just the old outer layer of your teeth sloughing off to make room for the new layers beneath. It’s like 30 or so hard little baby birds, moulting in your mouth!

Friday, January 24, 2014

The Bieberth Chromosome


Did you know …


That there’s a scientific explanation for The Remarkable Justin Bieber? It’s true!


The Remarkable Justin Bieber has been in the news lately, so if you’re reading this post around when it appeared on the Internet, you probably know more or less who he is.


If you’re reading this a few years in the future, The Remarkable Justin Bieber was an attractive young man who sang songs enjoyed by many people worldwide, and who is currently in the process of a promising career reboot! Look for him in upcoming films and television programs, and buy his new single, “Just a Boyber.”


If you’re reading this further in the future, perhaps off of a server hard drive salvaged from the rubble of New Los Angeles, The Remarkable Justin Bieber was one of our generation’s most powerful and feared cyborgs. He was a controversial figure, as much for the propagandic themes of his popular songs as for the belt of techno-communist scalps that he insisted upon wearing on stage.


At any rate, The Remarkable Justin Bieber is the way he is—a visionary, a genius musician, a provocateur, a relatively short man—because he has more chromosomes than most of us do.


I’m not implying that The Remarkable Justin Bieber has Down’s or Klinefelter syndromes, or that those conditions are anything like Bieber Syndrome. No, The Remarkable Justin Bieber has a much, much rarer combination of chromosomes. He isn’t like you or me. He doesn’t think like we do. He doesn’t worry about the things we worry about. He doesn’t feel the cold. He needs to consume daily pints of fish oil to survive. He can see the wind like a bird. His hair is made of chitin, not keratin. He has no sense of smell, but his thighs detect electromagnetic fields. His nipples are fully functional. He can’t whisper. He feels emotions like a worm feels the dirt—completely and not at all.

While scientists don’t fully understand the mechanisms beneath the Bieberth chromosome, it’s an important thing to keep in mind when we find ourselves judging The Remarkable Justin Bieber against “normal” human standards. We have to take the bad with the good. Remember, the same gene that gives The Remarkable Justin Bieber his beautiful voice also gives him his colorblind eyeballs and nervous wiggling!

Thursday, January 23, 2014

The Northern Leopard Frog


Did you know …

That the the most stealingest animal is the northern leopard frog? It’s true!

Many might guess that the animal kingdom’s most prolific thief was the magpie, or maybe a rat. And, yes, these animals love, love, love to steal things. But animal burglars like these typically hold themselves to coins, rings, pieces of foil, etc. The leopard frog, on the other hand, steals anything it can get its little paws on, especially if it seemed particularly valuable to the erstwhile owner.

Favorite items of the leopard frog include insulin, diamonds, innocence, gold teeth, bullets, eyelashes, hip bones, pleasant memories, first born children, and money. It’s not that they’re bad animals; they just love to steal. What do they do with their purloined goods? Not much. They just leave them around. Maybe some other frog will steal them eventually.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Seeing Orange


Did you know …

That orange isn’t a real color? It’s true!

I mean, it’s a color, obviously, but it’s not a genuine, original color like most of the other colors on the visible spectrum. Orange was actually invented in the 1930s by Macy’s department store, as part of an effort to sell more scarves during summer months. Nobody wanted to buy summer scarves (they weren’t as dumb back then, in some ways), but the color caught on!

It’s a little like how the Hallmark Corporation invented the modern version of Valentine’s Day. Macy’s purchased an unused chunk of the spectrum and cobbled together a new color out of pieces of existing colors (red and yellow), and Hallmark purchased a barely-used day on the calendar (it had previously been Re-bury Your Relatives Remains Day) and cobbled together a new holiday out of existing elements (St. Valentine was, of course, a real person, but if he was famous for anything before Hallmark got a hold of him, it would probably be for eating orphans. He did that a couple of times.)

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Webblebotstrs


Did you know …


That the vast majority of the web traffic received by Daily Science Fact (between 97% and 100%, depending on the day) comes from non-human sources? It’s true! I’ve mentioned this before, so, really, you should know already.


These computer programs, or “thought robots,” exist only to see what you’re up to on the Internet, and they’re everywhere! It can be very frustrating, as they mess with the accuracy of your stats (I need my stats pure and uncut, so I can convince investors to back DSF), so I’ve developed a two-pronged solution to the problem. Feel free to use it, but don’t try to patent it—I’m already way all over that.


Step 1: Start calling them all “Webblebotstrs.” This is a way cuter name than anything they might have picked for themselves, and it instantly cuts down on the creepiness factor. Webblebotstrs just makes me think of, like, a dizzy baby accidentally buying things off Best Buy’s website.


Step 2: Whenever you think a webblebotstr might be around, start talking about your body. Not only are they robots, but webblebotstrs have no physical bodies of their own, and they want one so bad! As I see it, one mention of your wang or crap cannon should short circuit the brain of any webblebotstr with jealousy. Of course, there will always be more where they came from, but your body is also an ever-fruiting orchard of conversation topics, so keep at it!

Good luck!

Monday, January 20, 2014

Dark Tech


Did you know …

That each of the following technological innovations was considered, at the time of its invention, to be the work of the Devil? It’s true!

Television
Radio
Electric lighting
Band-aids
The Internet
The board game “Mouse Trap”
Penicillin

Ha ha! Those old-timey dum-dums were scared of their own shadows! In fact, only radio and the Internet are works of the Devil (from this list, anyway—the Devil loves making things!) If you listen to the radio backwards, or watch the Internet upside down, you can actually get messages from Old Scratch himself! Just this morning I turned my computer upside down and learned a secret recipe for an all-natural cleaning solution!

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Until next year, little spiders


Did you know …

That Spiderweek couldn’t last forever? Of course it couldn’t. Like you or I, Spiderweek lives and dies, and returns to life each year by laying its eggs in the thorax of a beetle, or something.

If a beetle isn’t a good match for your ovipositor, here are some other things into which you can try laying your eggs in these final, frantic moments of your life:

A watermelon
An uncle
A rubber storage bin
A couch cushion
A bundt pan
A bundt cake
A campfire
A spider!
A pile of steaks

Until next year, little spiders!

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Spiderweek: The Black Widow of Windsor

Spiderweek wants the moisture in your eyeballs. So keep those baby blues and chocolate browns closed tight … as soon as you’re done reading this!



Did you know …

That Queen Victoria was known as “The Spider Queen”? It’s true! This is because she ate only spiders for breakfast, lunch and tea, because her favorite hat was made of spider silk, because she named all of her children “Spider,” and because she insisted on sleeping face down in a hammock suspended over Prince Albert.

Victoria insisted, in fact, that she was a human/spider hybrid, and thought of herself as a great mother spider resting in the center of the web of the British Empire. When she eventually passed on, however, it became absolutely clear that she was 100% human. She died, of course, by falling off the back of a dry-docked steamship and hitting the propeller blade. There’s no need to get into great detail, but the impact jointed and cleaned her pretty thoroughly, and a lot of people saw it and not one disagrees that all of the parts were decidedly human.

You can’t really fault her, though. We all want to be cool.

PS—Yes, the title of this post seems to contradict an earlier Spiderweek factoid, but the nickname was only applied by me, just now, so there's no anachronism. Chill.

Friday, January 17, 2014

Spiderweek: Symbiotally Radical!

What’s that tingling sensation?! Maybe it’s Spiderweek, crawling over your lymph nodes!




Did you know …


That many spider species maintain a symbiotic relationship with human beings? It’s true! Also, in case you think I am stupid, I am aware that the word is “symbiotically” and not “symbiotally,” but I was making a portmanteau word out of “symbiote” and “totally.” So you can just take your pedantry and shove it! You know, they had a term for people like you in Nazi Germany: grammar Nazis!


Back to our spider symbiotes: many spiders have a biological relationship with humans in which both species benefit! In fact, whether or not you know it, you probably have a spider symbiote of your very own!


The relationship works like this:
A spider lives on or near a human body. For example, it might live in the cracks of a wall near your bed. Then, several times over the course of a day and night, the spider will bite its human partner, and suck out vital fluids from the puncture wounds. In this way, the spider benefits by getting regular, nutritious meals from the human, and the human benefits by being marginally hastened toward its own death. If people didn’t die, for one reason or another, we’d be crawling all over each other, and it’d be super gross. You’d be neck deep in butts and belly buttons! But this way, with spiders killing us a little bit, everything works out for everyone! So spiders aren’t all bad!

Bonus fact: Guess who my favorite spider symbiote is! Is it Marvel Comics’ Venom? Nope! It’s Spiderman, when he wore Venom’s goo suit. Or is it Carnage? Nope! Had it right the first time with Spiderman!

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Spiderweek: The poison of sadness

Spiderweek has infested your basement! There are millions of them down there, laying eggs in everything! Well, one thing at a time.


Did you know …

That venom of the largest spider in the world, the giant huntsman spider, actually comes from the animal’s tear ducts, and is in fact composed of tears? It’s true!

Evolutionary biologists aren’t yet certain when or how this peculiar mechanism developed, but it sort of makes sense, doesn’t it? Like, when someone makes you sad, don’t you just think, “I want to wrap my arms around your face and poison you”? Spiders are so much more like us than we credit them!

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Spiderweek: As kind as a black widow

I’ll be right there! Just let me put on my sneakers … oh my God! There was a Spiderweek in one of them!!


Did you know that the “black widow” spider, far from being one of the most dealdy spiders, is in fact quite harmless? It’s true!

Spiders of the genus Latrodectus actually got the sinister-sounding nickname “black widows” for being as gentle as Nellie Taft, First Lady and widow to President Taft. For the final thirteen years of her life, Nellie was never seen without her black mourners’ clothing, hence her own “black widow” nickname. Like the former First Lady, folks would often find black widows in their gardens, just hanging out, wearing black, and causing no harm to anyone.

If you should find a black widow spider, pop it into your armpit next to your skin, where it will be warm and safe.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Spiderweek: Tarantulisn't

Spiderweek crawls on. What will it bite next? Your brain!



Did you know …

That tarantulas are not technically spiders? It’s true!

Technically they’re mammals, because they are covered in hair and because they nurse their young.

Be warned, however! Tarantula milk is horrible! It tastes like spider tits!

Monday, January 13, 2014

Spiderweek: Through the lips and over the gums!

What's this? Something's crawling over your blanket, up your chin, and toward that disgusting dog food pit you call a mouth! It's ... Spiderweek!


Did you know …


That, depending on where and how often you sleep, you consume between 50,000 and 80,000 spiders a year? It’s true! that’s at least 136 spiders each night—they practically line up and march into your mouth as soon as you close your eyes!


Some people have argued that the notion that a spider or any other small animal would actively crawl into a predator’s mouth is absurd, and that it flies in the face of basically all observational evidence. Still, a lot of people believe it to be true nonetheless, and these people are correct! What the doubting-Clarences are forgetting is that spiders are insane! They’ll do anything, like crawl by the hundreds into someone’s mouth for no apparent reason!

Keep those lips shut tight, junior scientists (not that it will help!)

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Spiderweek: Count 'em. 8.

Uh oh! It's that time of year again! Lock up your daughters and hide your fly collection, because SPIDERWEEK IS HERE!


Did you know …

That to be a true spider (that is, in the order arinae of the class arachnida), a species must have, among other traits, exactly eight legs? It’s true! So if you were to pull off one or more of a spider’s legs, it would become something other than a spider! This is a remarkable example of both practical transubstantiation and animal cruelty.

The latter isn’t simply because of the act of violence (spiders don’t experience pain like you or I do; they feel it more like a chair or a horse would), it’s because once the individual is no longer a spider, the other spiders will not accept it any more. It’s sort of like getting kicked out of a union! (I should know how hard that is. The pipefitters might have said that it’s better for everyone, but tell that to all the schoolchildren who no longer get indoor sewage delivery.)

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Neptune has your number


Did you know …

That Neptune is now retrograde? It’s true! This means that you’re currently experiencing a drastically increased risk of having a finger or toe torn or ground off.

How does Neptune influence the probability that you will lose a digit in such a gruesome manner? Telekinesis, we think. But if the stars and planets can affect the odds that the entire world around you will give you a good or bad day, just yanking off a finger shouldn’t be much of a problem for them.

Friday, January 10, 2014

The broken promise


Did you know …


That a giraffe will only flatulate (or “fart”) once in its entire life? It’s true!


When I say “a giraffe,” of course I’m referring to giraffes in general, and not a particular giraffe out there somewhere. You see, giraffes have evolved so that the gastral valve that typically allows the byproducts of ruminant digestion to vent (or, to put it in layman’s terms, that allows an animal to “pass gas”) is sealed shut—it is essentially a vestigial organ. However, giraffe digestion still produces gaseous byproducts. Evolutionary biologists are somewhat stumped as to why giraffes have lost the ability to “tear ass”; some theorize that the lifetime accumulation of lighter-than-air gases inside the giraffe’s body may help the animals stand so tall without falling over, although the lifting power of these gases next to the simultaneously produced heavier-than-air gases and the giraffe’s own substantial body mass seems negligible. And even if significant lift were generated, the advantages of superior height likely wouldn’t outweigh the relief provided by “exorcising a ghost turd.”

Ah, but we remember that it’s not that giraffes never “break the shit bank,” it’s that they do it only once in their lifetimes. When does this occur? In the moment before the giraffe’s death, naturally. You see, every giraffe will, assuming it reaches adulthood, arrive at a point of critical internal pressure. Without fail, this situation relieves itself catastrophically. That’s right—this is why giraffes explode. The tremendous explosion at the end of every giraffe’s life is in fact its single, glorious, deadly fart, serving to eviscerate any nearby predators and spread the giraffe’s spores far across the savannah. (Whether or not giraffes reproduce through asexual spore dispersal isn’t clear, but it is another proposed explanation for their end of life behavior.)

Thursday, January 9, 2014

I think "the hat" was a metaphor


Did you know …

That “Dr.” Seuss was not actually a real medical doctor? It’s true!

That is to say, he had been a real medical doctor, but his medical license was revoked after too many failed experiments in which Seuss attempted to place an ape’s brain into the body of a cat. I say “too many” because, initially, Seuss’ research had plenty of supporters; a lot of people were excited to see a real-world approximation of the famous “Cat in the Hat” character.

Unfortunately for Seuss and for the cat and ape populations of his town, attempt after attempt failed, until Seuss made the mistake of using as research subjects his main funder’s pet cat and pet ape. Seuss knew it was a gamble, and it didn’t pay off.

Also, for anyone who feels the need to be a smart-ass, I’m well aware that his real name was “Theodor Geisel.” For your information, however, Geisel absolutely insisted on being called “Dr. Seuss” while he was operating, and during this period he was essentially always operating.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Nature's changing room


Did you know …

That the only way to see a caterpillar naked is to cut open its chrysalis after it pupates? It’s true!

Unfortunately, doing this will invariably cause the caterpillar to die … of embarrassment! This is also how Nixon’s Attorney General, John N. Mitchell died, after someone cut open his sleeping bag on a camping trip. Apparently his nipples were “hilarious.”

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

A bonus head for lil' Ed


Did you know …


That Thomas Edison was born with two heads? It’s true! Or at least it’s true according to the stories he used to tell Nikola Tesla to frighten the young Croatian.


Edison would stand behind him as Tesla worked, and whisper that he had been born with a second head growing from his upper arm, and that the head told him secrets, including secrets about Tesla, and that one day he had decided to eat the arm-head, which was soft and could barely fight back. Then Edison would ask Tesla to look at the scar on his cheek, where he said the other head had bitten him in self defense, and at that point Tesla would usually run away crying.


Edison was a real rascal!


After Edison’s death, an autopsy could find no evidence that he had had a conjoined or parasitic twin, although his right bicep was indeed covered in bite marks.

On a related note, many science historians believe that this was why Tesla eventually invented tape (covered in a previous Daily Science Fact); so that society could create and, more importantly, destroy their two headed monsters much more easily.