How does ebola work?

Did you know …

That this post isn’t actually about Zaire ebolavirus, or “ebola”? It’s true! You dumb sucker!

This post is about how the human brain works—your brain. You saw some headline about ebola, and you’re all worried about getting the disease, or you’re some kind of pervert who thought about bleeding eyeballs and thought, “Oh, this is for sure going to be sweet, why do I keep buying such complicated belts,” or you know me and/or are related to me and just are reading this post as a matter of course. If the latter is true, I’m very sorry for the image of someone struggling to get into their own pants while thinking about hemorrhagic fever, but, in any case, whether you’re my mother, colleague, dear friend, worry wart, or friendly deviant, you’ve been the victim of “clickbait.” Yeah, there is a lot wrong with you, but this particular situation isn’t entirely your fault.

You see, “clickbait” or “clickbates” are intricately crafted psychological traps, typically set by human-like computers or computer-like humans to ensnare the attention of bumpkins. Each distinct clickbia is designed to attract you, or some bumpkin, via your most base compulsions. Once you’ve looked at it (or swallowed the bait), the clickbait construct snags a lobe deep inside your brain—typically the hypothalamus, I believe. At that point, what are you supposed to do? Jerk away and potentially dislodge your ‘thalamus? Nope, you’re snagged. So you sit back, and just fill the master-baiter’s pockets with your precious attention, money, and pictures of your privates.

Fortunately for you, this is an academic scenario only, and you have encountered a benevolent baiter. Unfortunately for you, you’ve probably just learned what sort of lascivious feelings a brutal, tragic epidemic can stir in your soul, and I have to think that that’s a lot to deal with on a Monday night, or whenever you’re reading this. Good luck, dude.

PS—I’m filling in my missed days, so if you missed getting smarter while I was camping, check out "last week's" entries! There’s fresh knowledge from the great outdoors there! If you’re reading this in the future, or just hitting the “Press For Facts” button, I don’t know. You’re operating beyond my understanding and control.