Let's get SAD

Did you know …

That “sad” is more than just a feeling? It’s also a real medical condition that makes you sad. It’s true!

Sad, or SAD, stands for “seasonal affective disorder.” Basically, it’s what happens when you don’t see the sun often enough—this can happen in higher latitudes during the winter, or when you’re a vampire at any point in the year—or when everything is just horrible and you’re hungry all the time (the scenarios mentioned above still apply). It makes you sad.

What do you do if you have SAD? First, try to get better by staring at the sun for as long as you can. Next, write a letter to your nearest UPS distribution center explaining to whoever is in charge, in no uncertain terms, that because of your REAL MEDICAL CONDITION you cannot be held legally responsible for the things that happen to their deliverymen while making stops at your home. This could include, but is certainly not limited to, screaming and/or crying at them through your screen door; dumping buckets of ice water and/or ice on them from upstairs windows; attempting to climb into their delivery vans; chasing their delivery vans down the street while holding a section of steel pipe; digging traps for them in your yard; or insisting that you are sick and/or injured and need help, and then, after they enter home, holding onto their wrist and not letting go until police and/or another delivery person arrives. Also, be sure to add “attorney at law” after signing your name.

Then go back to staring at the sun.