President Theodore McDuck

Did you know …

That the popular children’s television program Ducktales (1987-1990) was loosely based on the life of President Roosevelt? It’s true!

The Roosevelt in question is, of course, Theodore (although some critics believe that Fenton Crackshell was supposed to be Franklin Roosevelt, because both FDR and Crackshell made extensive use of mechanical aids for transportation, and because of the shared “blathering blatherskite!” catchphrase). Scrooge McDuck’s adventures parallel Roosevelt’s with uncanny accuracy, and Roosevelt himself himself had triplet nephews who accompanied him on multiple expeditions. In real life, however, all of the nephews died on safari; two were lost to lions, while the third died from either electrocution by lightning strike, a snakebite, choking on ham, or a 150-foot fall off a cliff (all four occurred in the last few moments of his life).

Ducks were chosen as Teddy and Co.’s anthropomorphic stand-ins because of the President’s personal fascination with the birds. A famous photograph of Roosevelt shows him in the midst of a taxidermy project, wrist deep in a mallard’s torso, supposedly exclaiming, “Why, it’s as if there’s another world entirely in here!”

A strong association with laughter!

Did you know …

That I just thought of a science-themed joke? It’s true!

Here goes:

So, what do you call …

No, like, What’s the difference between an association and a …

Two scientists walk into a swingers’ club …

Ok, well, I don’t have the full joke ready yet. But the punchline is going to be something about a “causal relationship” or “causal sex,” because I want this to be a grownups-only joke. No need to dumb this one down for dumb little kids, or to make it less sexy for the pre-sexual! It’s going to be pretty good, though, and … I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but I think this one could be a strong contender for the Golden LAughies Awards in April. They can’t keep giving it to puns about mitosis, or whatever, and I think I’m due!

Maybe it goes without saying, because I’ve threatened my readers about this kind of thing before, but I swear to God that if you steal my punchline I will lay an egg inside of you and my child will eat its way out through the top of your goddamn skull, and I will mail what’s left of you to your family. Are we clear?

Until tomorrow … lotsa laffs!

Breaking glass

Did you know …

That if you sing in just the right way, you can actually shatter glass? It’s true!

This is because the amorphous solid structure of glass can’t stand your stupid voice or the awful songs that seem to be stuck in your head. Each little molecule of glass, at the sound of you singing, begins to vibrate in anxiety until they fall into resonance. At that point, they throw themselves apart to try to escape the sound of your voice. Unfortunately for them, breaking doesn’t change the fundamental nature of the glass, and you’re the type to keep singing even after something has tried to end its own life.

But don’t feel bad; it’s only glass!

It worked for Murray Gell-Mann too!

Did you know …

That the police can’t arrest you for any sub-felony offense if you are pretending to be deaf? It’s true!

The funny thing is, if they know that you definitely are or aren’t deaf, they can arrest you as normal. But if they aren’t sure, because, for instance, you refuse to even acknowledge any of their questions about where your pants are and why you’re in the mall at night, or because you’re making sounds and hand signals that a public employee who is hearing impaired will later testify as being “unbelievably offensive,” then they can’t technically arrest you. They can still restrain you and place you in the back of their squad car, but if you can escape their custody at any point, it’s pretty much a free-for-all.

This scenario has happened to a ton of scientists over the years, because their smarts allow them to see and take advantage of legal loopholes, and it has occurred as recently as August 9, 2013.

Beleaf it or not

Did you know …

That leaves are figments of your imagination? It’s true!

As near as science can tell, trees go through their entire lifespan without producing a single leaf. But when we look at them our brains automatically add leaves to the branches. And then, like, in the fall when there should be a bunch of dead leaves all over the place, our brains add leaves there, too. So when you pick up a crisp, bright fall leaf, you’re probably actually picking up a dried out frog, or a slice of dog shit or something.

It all seems so real, doesn’t it? But if you’ve ever watched The Matrix, starring Keanu Reeves, you’ll understand.

Are there any real leaves? Are leaves a real thing? It’s impossible to say. If we were to ever see a real leaf, our brains would probably superimpose an imaginary leaf right over it.

Moon Misconceptions

Did you know …

That until the 1930s, most people believed that Earth’s moon was an optical illusion, caused by starlight reflecting off of the oceans and then refracting in the upper atmosphere? It’s true! What a bunch of dummies!

Some historians propose that President James Garfield’s assassination was motivated by him expressing the unpopular opinion that this widely held belief about the moon was erroneous. It’s too bad, because even if this theory is true, Garfield himself believed that the moon was, “the palest eye of our Christian God, watching us in our nocturnal sinnations. He sees us sinning in the kitchen, His eye watches us sin in the water closet, and even in the bath we cannot escape His Great Vision. Especially not in the bath.” Obviously this isn’t true either, because the notion of astronauts, almost a century later, walking on God’s eyeball is pretty crazy. Doesn’t seem fair that JG had to die just for being a crazy person.

Qristmas Chuestions!

Greg Louganis (no relation) asks,

Dear Science,

What's a guy like me supposed to do on Christmas if not science?

Yours forever,

Greg

Thanks for the question, Greg!

Well ...

Did you know that science is probably the best thing to do on both Christmas and Christmas Eve? It's true!

Science, however, is not the only thing to do over the winter holiday, and depending on your mood you might want to explore your options. For instance, I have been celebrating Christmas day with diarrhea! For those of you who aren't doctors, diarrhea is a medical choice in which your guts decide to embarrass your whole body. The sights and sounds are practically unbelievable!!

When you choose to take a break from diarrhea, you watch Beverly Hills Cop II, which is nature’s cork. (Not to be confused with cork, which is nature’s bottle cap.)

Thanks, Greg, and I hope that gives you some options for what’s left of the holiday!

Puppet brains

Did you know …

That puppets’ brains are not actually made of fingers? It’s true! Your fingers are made of fingers, of course, and a puppet’s brain is made of brain!

But why, then, when we shove our hands into puppets’ rectums, do we not feel that warm head puddin’? It’s because puppet brains exist like Schrödinger’s sad cat. They both exist and do not exist until you jam your jam-scoops up there and force them to only not exist.

If your mom or somebody asks you what you mean when you explain this to them, tell them it’s quantum, and that they’ve never looked stupider than right now. This might seem harsh, but at the moment of questioning, your own brain and guts will be in a state of flux, and the wrong answer could lead to someone reaching up through your digestive tract and flapping his or her hand around in your empty skull.

Weird, huh? Science!

PS—Question from a reader who couldn’t keep to one question per question. Q/Answer posted retroactively.

PPS—Expect more on Schrödinger & cat in the future. What a fascinating partnership that was!

Not that fun, actually

Did you know …

That almost 90% of fungi species are actually pretty gross? It’s true! This is because your average fungus just loves to get into your personal nooks and crannies and act like pays rent. It really shits in the shower.

Most fungi are also classified as gross because of their status as heterotrophs. Obviously, simply lacking the ability to fix atmospheric carbon doesn’t necessarily make something gross (Hello? Cindy Crawford, anyone?), but when you go around pretending to be some kind of plant, and then suddenly stick your hyphae into a dead animal … I mean, it’s not that there aren’t a lot of useful fungi out there, but … yuck.

He terminated fish, at least

Did you know …

That the original Terminator, Arnold Schwarzenegger, was actually designed and built primarily to haul in heavy fishing nets, with the secondary programing of gutting and processing the caught fish? It’s true! Why he was ever repurposed as some sort of kill-bot is beyond me. Same goes for his being the Governor of California. (His popularity with the ladies, on the other hand, I do understand. You don’t pull up nets full of herring all day without getting big muscles!)

The Cubs Lose Again

Did you know …

That a baby lion has never, ever enjoyed itself? It’s true! Baby lions are unable to experience happiness, because they are emotionally crippled by thoughts of their own mortality. What strange animals!

According to the most recent studies, lion cubs spend all their time thinking about what it would be like to be killed by Val Kilmer, to die from falling into a volcano, to perish from complications related to severe infection by internal parasites, to be wrestled to death by a tiger, or to trip and hit their head very hard on a rock.

The next time you see a lion cub, look at how wide its eyes are. This is why.

Bring the birds

Did you know …

That attracting birds is as simple as finding the right key for the right bird? It’s true! Birds’ brains are, for the most part, laughably simple, and with the right stimulation you’ll have them eating out of your mouth in no time at all. It’s so easy, I sometimes wonder if it should be illegal.

A little research and experimentation will take you a long way, but here are a few birds and their attractors to get you started.

Black-capped chickadees : Human blood

Blue Jays : Dog blood

Turkey vultures : Harp music

Cardinals : Riddles

Yellow-bellied sapsuckers : Sap

American robins : Tiny, robin-sized chairs

Brown-headed cowbirds : Brown-headed cowbird blood

Bald eagles : Piebald beagles

Ghost Secrets

Did you know …

That when you get a pimple or whitehead inside your ear, that’s because a ghost told you a secret? It’s true!

Not a human ghost, though. hen human ghosts tell you secrets, you get sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia, i.e., a cold stimulus headache or “brain freeze.” Human ghosts, of course, speak directly into your open mouth, because they’re so intent on tongue-kissing you that they don’t want to pull away to speak (ghosts, amiright?!). Their words, and more specifically their secrets, aren’t cold as such, but they do cause the rapid dilation and constriction of the blood vessels in your palette, a sensation that your trigeminal nerve passes along to your brain as pain. Why you gotta do that, ghosts? It hurts!

But back to ear pimples: These are actually from the ghost of a mouse trying to tell you secrets (or, sometimes, the ghost of a large insect, like a beetle). Because mice are both small and often dumb, they have difficulty aiming their secrets directly into your ear hole. When an ill-aimed secret hits the skin near the entrance of the ear canal, instead of entering the canal and contacting the eardrum, it can impact against a hair follicle, causing blockage and eventually a blackhead or whitehead.

It can be a nuisance if you have lots of mouse ghosts around. On the plus side, however, the occasional well-aimed secret is usually entertaining and informative; often they will be descriptions of your neighbor on the can, or the location where someone might have dropped a nickel.

Late Nite XXXuotes

Did you know …

That it’s time for more famous science quotes? It is! Guess who said the following:

“For the younge man with restless nightes: the spice of cinnamon, or failing that cassia, will give thee a bonerre that simply will notte quit.”

Yup! It was George Washington! Better known as a general and, of course, the first President of the United States of America, Washington was also a dedicated chemist and pharmacist, who focused almost exclusively on finding cures for erectile dysfunction. According to Washington, he himself never had a need for his cures, but he nonetheless felt that it was his duty to perfect them.

“Me? No! No! I am a strong oake! Mine is a volcanoe of hardest basalt! Nay. I feel I am indebted the flaccid populace. You do not believe? Ask this of Martha when she returns home tomorrow or the next daye.”

An American hero!

1000 Hits!

Did you know …

That the Daily Science Fact blog received its 1000th visit this past weekend? It’s true! And, as it happens, this is its 100th post! That means that each fact, on average, got 10 looks.

At least that’s how math would have you see it. According to the actual stats, most individual facts receive zero looks, while the more popular entries top out at about 3 or 4. Still, though, that’s 1000 visits to the main page, where you get your actual science fact for the day!

I know what you’re thinking, and, yes, the vast majority of those visits come from non-humans. I don’t mean, like, from chimps and whales (although maybe a few came from non-human animals?), I mean that they mostly come from computer programs designed to click on things, presumably with the hope that you’ll click back on them. That’s not so bad as far as I’m concerned! It’s sort of like how I like to walk through the mall pointing at people, with the hope that they’ll point back at me. Yeah, we’re not exactly interacting on a deeply spiritual level, but … maybe we are. Maybe the same goes for Internet robots.

Some other things that there are 1000 of:

1) Varieties of cherries

2) Years in a millennium

3) Wills in a Willennium

4) Exciting thoughts, runnin’ through my head

5) Mice in a jar

6) Pounds in any given cow

7) Lightning strikes to equal the power of one punch from Mike Tyson (someone did the math a while back)

More elements

Did you know …

That the most dangerous element is … fire? It’s true! Water has its issues, of course, but you can give earth to kids to play around with and stuff. And what’s wind even going to do to you?!

Some people say that the most dangerous element is polonium or something. I guess that’s pretty dangerous too. But polonium has never accidentally burned up your baseball card collection, has it?

Fri. 13

Did you know …

That it was Friday the 13th just this last Friday? It’s true! I waited a couple of days to write about it, because it’s bad luck to talk about the 13th on the 13th. Sort of like when someone is pitching a no hitter, but instead of baseballs, they’re throwing black cats. And instead of throwing them over a plate, they’re throwing them under ladders, where batters try to hit the cats with dead seagulls and mirrors. What a game!

So is Friday the 13th really unlucky, or is that just the sort of thing old wives talk to each other about when they aren’t passing judgement on their foreign neighbors? Well, that’s hard to say. As a scientist (I consider myself sort of an honorary scientist), I try to make a distinction between associations and actual causal relationships, and no one has ever been able to discover any kind of bad luck mechanism that is activated when the 13th of the month and a Friday coincide.

That said, if you look at the statistics, you’ll see that on average more than 95% of the human decapitations that occur each year happen on Friday the 13th(s).  So, yeah, think about that.

Zebrosexual

Did you know …

That zebras are all homosexual? It’s true! They reproduce because it’s necessary, and they love their baby zebras, but the whole process is probably a little bit of a bummer for them.

How do scientist even know this? They rounded up a bunch of zebras, showed them sexy pictures of either boy zebras or girl zebras, and then listened to the sounds the zebras made. Science, amiright?!

The long night

Did you know …

That today is actually the shortest day of the year? It’s true! Or, it’s not actually the shortest—that’s December 21st, the winter solstice, of course—it’s like, the sun is around for the least something or sunrise actually happens a little after daybreak or maybe there’s kind of a little, like, jag in the shape if the Earth that makes things kind of shady or something.

Anyway, the important thing is that you’d better be inside before sunset, because today is also International Kidnap an Adult Day.

The Arch

Did you know …

That the invention of the stone arch, as simple as it may seem, changed the world? It’s true!

Invented (probably) by the ancient Greeks or their forebearers, the arch has led to a multitude of other technologies, including the internal combustion engine, the repeating rifle, Ruffles potato chips, chimp boots (boots for chimps), and boot camps (which were often falling into rivers and things, before the stone arch provided an efficient support system.)

What will the arch give us next? Only time will tell!

Ham?

Did you know …

That ham isn’t what you always thought it was? It’s not! In fact … have you ever actually seen a pig?!

Animal or puppet?

Did you know …

That many of the things we believe to be living animals, are, in fact, not? It’s true! A lot of “animals” are actually animal-shaped fabric constructions, animated by human hands. We call them “puppets.” Although puppets seem alive, and look very much like actual animals, the are not. Telling puppets from animals can be tricky, even for experts.

Things to look for when spotting puppets:

-The creature is speaking a human language (although some animals, like parrots and maybe some of the better monkeys, can do this too)

-The creature has a human arm in their rectum (although this may simply be a human assisting in a calf’s birth, or doing some other horrible thing to an actual animal)

-The creature moves its head and mouth vigorously, but barely moves its limbs (although this could be a snake or a paralyzed animal)

-The creature appears to be some kind of cross between an animal and a human (although it may actually be a human-animal hybrid)

JAM!

Did you know …

That jam was invented in the 1940s as a way to get the most out of rationed food? It’s true! People would scrape bits of chewed but unswallowed fruit from their teeth and collect them in jars. Voila! Jam!

I have to say, though … I know there was a war on, but what were you people trying to be? Barbarians? You’re gross!

Jelly wouldn’t be invented until the 50s. I’m not sure exactly how it happened, but it had something to do with skin flakes.

It's called "Planet Ottanana," probably

Did you know …

That the cutest thing ever would be a baby sea otter, floating on its back, holding a banana. And then eating the banana. It’s true! Look it up in the science book!

Unfortunately, a baby sea otter has never done this, and will never do this. At least not in my lifetime, as far as I can foresee. It almost makes me wish that I never knew.

I suppose that somewhere out in space there might be a planet where this happens all the time. It’s reassuring to know, but, still, it’s unlikely that faster-than-light travel will be achieved in my lifetime, and even if it is, it will probably take a really long time to find that planet. To call our spaceotter-seeking technology “nascent” would be generous.

Mole skin?

Did you know that “moleskins/moleskines,” the fabric pads, the trousers, and the notebooks are not, nor have they ever been, made of the skin of moles? It’s true!

The little pads in the center of adhesive bandages are, and have always been, made of mole skin (the skin of moles, I mean). It’s bleached, of course, but there you go. It’s just one mental leap away from irony!