More mouse than mice

Did you know …

That a recent governmental report suggests that up to half of the “mice” that live in and around our homes are actually not mice at all, but robotic simulated lifeforms.

I know what you’re thinking: This is crazy talk from crazy people, and since when have I ever trusted the guv’ment? All they’ve ever done for me is help me get diabetes.

Ok, fair enough. We’re all aware of the distinct threat posed by the faction of lizard people within our government, and we understand that, despite their assistance in our obtaining diabetes, we need to at least treat the government and its studies with caution.

However, this particular bit of research makes sense. You can’t leave cheese out at night, for fear of mice taking it, right? Except why on Earth would a mouse seek out cheese like that? Nothing in mouse evolution suggests that mice need cheese, or could have adapted to prefer it so exclusively over other foods. It would make much more sense if we were afraid for our seed bags, or for our beetle cakes. These are things that all mice should be interested in. And yet a significant portion of mice (or “mice”) seem to be very interested in our cheese. Very strange.

Who builds these mousebots? And what do they want with our cheese?

Ghost Secrets

Did you know …

That when you get a pimple or whitehead inside your ear, that’s because a ghost told you a secret? It’s true!

Not a human ghost, though. hen human ghosts tell you secrets, you get sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia, i.e., a cold stimulus headache or “brain freeze.” Human ghosts, of course, speak directly into your open mouth, because they’re so intent on tongue-kissing you that they don’t want to pull away to speak (ghosts, amiright?!). Their words, and more specifically their secrets, aren’t cold as such, but they do cause the rapid dilation and constriction of the blood vessels in your palette, a sensation that your trigeminal nerve passes along to your brain as pain. Why you gotta do that, ghosts? It hurts!

But back to ear pimples: These are actually from the ghost of a mouse trying to tell you secrets (or, sometimes, the ghost of a large insect, like a beetle). Because mice are both small and often dumb, they have difficulty aiming their secrets directly into your ear hole. When an ill-aimed secret hits the skin near the entrance of the ear canal, instead of entering the canal and contacting the eardrum, it can impact against a hair follicle, causing blockage and eventually a blackhead or whitehead.

It can be a nuisance if you have lots of mouse ghosts around. On the plus side, however, the occasional well-aimed secret is usually entertaining and informative; often they will be descriptions of your neighbor on the can, or the location where someone might have dropped a nickel.

What's in a mouse?

Did you know …

That a mouse’s color can tell you what’s inside of it? It’s true!

As it happens, white mice are full of air, and black mice are full of water. What are white and black spotted mice full of? You guessed it: guts! Guts and blood! Make sure to never step on one of these mice—the experience will be so visceral (literally), that it may put you off of stepping on mice forever! Yuck!