Old Scratch's last laugh

The culmination of Halloweek is upon us!

Did you know that …

Old Scratch was the Devil the whole time!? Ho ho ho! Were you tricked into thinking that it was a simple old man, just drinking from a clay jug at the crossroads, who supplied you with this week’s spooktacular factulars? It was not! You should have asked your old grandpa or something—he’d have told you who Old Scratch was! I hope you didn’t bargain away anything in exchange for more science facts!

It’s a common mistake, though, confusing Old Scratch for a simple octogenarian, so don’t feel too bad. Here are some simple ways to distinguish the Devil from the common old man (Geriatricus vulgarus):

-The Devil has a pair of goatlike horns protruding from his forehead, while old men have no horns, or, at most, asymmetrical horn-like lumps on the various bony surfaces of their bodies.

-The Devil is accompanied by an odor of brimstone. Old men smell like egg sandwiches; not unlike brimstone, but with a little bit of mayonnaise to go with it.

-Both the Devil and old men like to talk about old times and Jesus, but the Devil is usually not that into Jesus Christ, while old men are mostly pretty pro-Jesus.

-The Devil wears a pointy goatee or “Van Dyke” beard, but old men usually shave their faces in a pathetic attempt to convince strangers that they are younger than they actually are.

So there you have it! Do you have any additional tips on differentiating an old man from the Devil? Write them in the comments! Or keep them to yourself, and guarantee that your enemies will lose their souls by letting some old man “just take care of it for a little while, eh?”

The monster within

What’s that? You have an itch for knowledge? Let Ol’ Scratch have a look!

Did you know …

That the famous monster’s name isn’t actually “Frankenstein”? It’s true! His full name is actually “Dr. Victor Frankenstein,” and his monster, more specifically, is called “incest.” You can’t get engaged to your cousin and also dodge that yucky bullet.

Historians speculate that Victor constructed his patchwork man just so he would have something naked to look at to get thoughts of his cousin, Elizabeth, out of his head. (Premium cable was still more than a century away, and Victor was no good at drawing babes.) Obviously it didn’t work as Victor intended, although the creature eventually did kill Elizabeth, so I suppose it’s six of one, a half dozen of the other.

It seems so obvious now ...

Is it still Halloweek? It is! Let’s see what sort of fact tumbles out of this jug, the stoneware one with a skull and a bunch of X's on it.

Did you know …

That scientists didn’t formally discover the human skeleton until the 1920s? It’s true! Before then, everyone assumed that the body was supported by a system of fluid-filled tubes, similar to that of an octopus.

In 1922, however, an Italian anatomist, Gaspare Civinini, began to wonder why his body seemed so permanently rigid after he was stuck in the air vent of a bakery. Civinini had been stealing sweet rolls when the baker came in, and attempted to escape through the vent, but, of course, he quickly became trapped. After the Italian constables (or whatever passes for law enforcement over there) extricated him, and after he paid the customary bribes, Civinini strolled down the street to a nearby dog food factory to examine the bodies of poorer criminals waiting in the hoppers.

A cry of “Scheletro!” was soon heard across the village, and from that day on skeletons would take the place of man-shaped balloon animals in Halloween yard decorations! Also in textbooks and stuff too, I guess.

Dummy Down

What does Old Scratch have for us today? Pull a fact from your carpet bag, Scratch, and tell us what we’ll learn …

Did you know …

That mummies used to be so abundant that paint manufacturers would grind them up to make “mummy brown” paint? It’s true!

First produced in Europe in the 16th century, mummy brown was largely composed of pitch, myrrh, and the ground-up flesh of Egyptian mummies. By the early 20th century, however, demand for mummy brown oustripped the supply of mummies, and the eponymous ingredient became too scarce for production to continue. Mummies were not reproducing fast enough, or even, it seems, at all.

The widely accepted explanation for this, among archaeo-biologists, is that mummy sex is just so gross that not even mummies want to see it, much less participate in it. It’s like two filthy branches fighting each other, and one of them has an erection. Yuck!

Neurotropic viruses in the belfry!

We’re back with Old Scratch’s Halloween Science Fact Spectacular! Today, we have a fact about the animal commonly referred to as “Old Scratch’s pubic lice.” No, it’s not about pubic lice (those are typically called “Old Scratch’s tiny bedfellows), it’s about … bats! Sort of!

Did you know …

That you don’t actually turn into a vampire after you’re bitten by a bat? It’s true!

Despite the common misconception, bats do not carry vampirism. Vampires carry vampirism, and sometimes you can get it if you step on a rusty nail or something, but bats don’t carry, and so can’t transmit, vampirism.

What you can get when you’re bitten by a bat is rabies! Not every bat carries rabies, but unless you’ve got the vision of an electron microscope, it’s best to treat every bat under the assumption that they’re rabid and either avoid them altogether, or pin them fatally to the floor with a tennis racquet.

If a bat somehow gets past your racquet and pierces your skin with its tiny teeth coated in virus laden saliva, I’m afraid that your prognosis isn’t great. Without immediate treatment (and, let’s be honest—if you can’t get to the dentist every six months, you’re definitely not going to make it in to the office for rabies shots), there’s an almost 100% chance that the disease will be fatal. At some point, as soon as several days after the infecting incident, you will begin to manifest symptoms. You will become agitated, paranoid, confused, or even hallucinatory. Your saliva glands will become hyperactive, but swallowing will be nearly impossible thanks to the painful spasms in your throat, and you will foam at the mouth, like the tiny bat that you tried to befriend before it bit you. Inside of two weeks, you will be frickin’ dead. Dead. You don’t come back from that, unless you’re a vampire, which, as we’ve already covered, you aren’t.

Your only slim chance is that your doctor is clever enough to administer the Milwaukee Protocol, an experimental technique that has cured a tiny handful of symptomatic rabies sufferers. Unfortunately, the Milwaukee Protocol requires that you be put into a medically-induced coma to slow the progress of the disease while you receive an extensive course of antiviral drugs. And, of course, when you come out of the coma (that is, if you come out of the coma), you will find that your brother and your girlfriend are doing it and that your English teacher and your mom are also totally doing it, or that your boyfriend and your spin class instructor are absolutely doing it and that your dog and your cat are doing it every chance they get. It would be a waking nightmare! You’d probably rather have died of an acute encephalitic infection!

Boooooooo!

Goblins!!!

Halloweek continues!

Did you know …

That the first and so far only living goblin was captured, studied and scientifically classified more than 200 years ago? It’s true! Sort of!

In 1765, Albrecht von Haller, the Swiss naturalist, anatomist and physiologist (though it was not a word used at the time, we’d probably call him a biologist), trapped a “kobold” (a goblin in English) in his root cellar. With the help of his assistants, von Haller moved the creature to a large bird cage in his laboratory, where he spent the next two weeks observing it and feeding it coffee and stewed beets.

von Haller writes:

After this brief but intense period of study, though my sensibilities as a man of logic and practicality near forbid it, my observations force me to conclude that I have discovered a wholly new species of man. Furthermore, I believe this creature to be nothing other than the direct inspiration for the forest kobold of children’s tales; it is hideously ugly, it yammers in a nonsensical language, and it has an unmistakable and ever-present glint of the diabolical in its eye. I have named it homo kobold infernius. With my other subjects, I would release them back into their habitat after my initial study and classification, forbearing anatomical dissection until multiple additional samples could be obtained. However, I fear that there is too much mischief in this creature. I cannot, in good conscience, release it to perform evil deeds on my friends and neighbors, and so I must find another solution …

Exciting, eh? But, as it happened, von Haller had actually captured and studied a human child. And he wasn’t even some kind of, you know, mutant kid. It was von Haller’s own nephew, Valvert, who had simply been exploring the cellar when Haller’s assistants threw a sack over his head and dumped him in the bid cage.

Fortunately for the child, von Haller’s route to the river passed by Valvert’s father’s house. When the father stopped von Haller and asked why his missing son was perched in von Haller’s wheelbarrow, apparently completely unharmed, the anatomist explained that he meant to dump the kobold in the river, for the good of the town. Valvert was rescued, von Haller was subjected to a lengthy scolding, and goblins were once again confined to fairy tales.

Or were they?! Booooooo!

Lil' Devils

Another entry in Old Scratch's Halloween Spectaculare!

Did you know …

That devils are real? Tasmanian devils, that is!

About the size of a small dog, Tasmanian devils are predatory marsupials native to the Australian island of Tasmania (naturally). As you might expect from the familiar tales of devils and demons, Tasmanian devils spend most of their time foraging, hoarding souls, and convincing otherwise good people to commit acts of unspeakable evil.

Fortunately, Tasmanian devils are currently endangered, thanks in large part to hunting, habitat destruction and an epidemic of Tasmanian devil facial tumor disease. This debilitating disease is thought by many to be spread by the transmission of cancer cells (as opposed to viruses or bacteria) between individual devils. It seems much more likely to me, however, that the actual infectious agents are even smaller devils, parasitizing their larger cousins. Think about it!

Ghost dog!

Welcome to the spookiest week of the year! To celebrate Old Scratch's favorite week, here at the Daily Science Fact, we'll be offering seven days of terror facts!

Did you know …

That the beloved comic strip dog, Snoopy, was based on a real dog? It’s true! But things get even more true than that! You see, Snoopy was actually based on … a ghost dog!

Back when Charles Schulz was growing up, there was a sort of urban myth in his neighborhood about a dog who was also a ghost who would cause mischief after the sun went down. The acts attributed to “Spooky” were pretty classic neighborhood ghost antics—stealing melons, taping cats to trees, screaming into windows—but as Charles got older, he became interested in the origins of Spooky the ghost dog.

As it turned out, the stories of Spooky could be dated back to a particular incident that occurred right around the turn of the 20th century. A baby in Charles’ neighborhood had gone missing, and the only trace of what may have occurred was a track of dog prints in the yard where the baby had been playing. Dogs were, of course, highly illegal in Charles’ town at the time, and this, added to the sad fact that Baby Cheodore was never found, led the townsfolk to believe that some sort of spectral dog had committed the deed. The tales took off from there.

Further research and just a modicum of critical thought reveal the true offender, in all likelihood, to be a wolf, or maybe a pair of wolves. Cheodore had been set in the yard next to a cooling pie, and the scent of the pie probably attracted wolves, but wolves don’t eat pie, they eat babies, and so …. But Charles was much more interested in the story of a baby-stealing ghost dog (“the greatest story never told”). This is why early Peanuts strips feature far more kidnappings, at least until the character of Spooky was renamed to the now-familiar Snoopy.

Boo!

PS—Is this science? Well, it’s about an animal and critical thinking, so, yeah, duh, it is.

Sand!

Did you know …

That sand is made of the crushed bones and teeth of your family’s enemies? It’s true!

That is, of course, unless your grandparents, great-grandparents, great-great-grandparents, and so forth, were a bunch of weak babies. In that case a lot of the sand is probably their bones and stuff too.

So much space

Did you know …

That I’ve posted a slightly disproportionate number of facts that involve space science? It’s true!

Science covers many things, including birds, cats, scientists, and worms, but we seem to have a few extra space stories in this website. This is because I was recently involved in the planning of a heist that would have stripped the Space Shuttle of its jewels.

Several months into my research, however, I discovered that all of the shuttles have been decommissioned, and also that they never stored jewels in the first place. Live and learn, eh? That’s the point of this blog!

PS—I guess I also write a lot about birds! They’re kind of like the astronauts of the sky.

Under the Sea

Did you know …

That no one knows how deep the deepest part of the ocean is? It’s true!

Presumably the deepest part of the ocean isn’t any deeper than the radius of Earth, but who knows? No one! I wonder what lives down there! Mermaids, maybe?!

The man in the moon

Did you know …

That when the first astronauts saw the moon, they thought it was a giant person? It’s true!

This is because all of those astronauts were suffering from severe cases of space madness. They went on to eat each other until there was only one astronaut left, who then ate himself.

Chairman Mao

Did you know …

That Chairman Mao was actually a rare species of kitty-cat, the Pardofelis marmorata? It’s true!!

Myths about Chairman Mao:

1. His name was actually “Chairman Meow.” In China, cats say “miao miao,” so the spelling doesn’t even work and that’s ridiculous.

2. He was a member of the “Commousenist Party.” Nope. He was a communist.

3. A cat couldn’t run the largest country in the world. Well … we’ll have to let history be the judge of that!

The invention of cans

Did you know …

That the common tin can was invented by none other than Thomas Edison himself? It’s true!

Better known for the light bulb or some other shit, many argue that Edison’s greatest invention was nonetheless the humble can.

Edison spent the greater part of his life watching people attempt to store food and liquids in pockets, puddles, their own mouths, or in whatever else was available. After severely burning his hands while attempting to heat a palmful of beans over a campfire, Edison decided that the world needed a better way. He experimented with vessels made of brick, bird skin, electricity and balsa wood, but Edison would eventually settle on the metal cylinder we now know as the can!

Platypus birth

Did you know that platypus reproduction is unique among mammals*? It’s true!

Instead of giving birth to live young, when a mother platypus’ eggs are sufficiently developed she will hide beneath a bush or riverbank, waiting for an unsuspecting human being to approach. The mother will then launch herself at the human’s face and promptly insert her ovipositor into his or her mouth and throat.

Intensely uncomfortable for the human, doctors nonetheless recommend waiting until all of the mother’s eggs have been deposited, and then allowing the mother to release naturally—attempting to prematurely remove the mother typically results in the removal of a large portion of the host’s face as well.

After laying her eggs, the mother will scamper away, exhausted but relieved, and happy that her babies are safe, growing in the belly of their new host. In fourteen months they will emerge fully grown, gnawing through the rib cage or abdomen of their “god parent.” A true miracle!

*Probably some of you were getting ready to be all, like, "Um, the platypus isn't the only monotreme. Don't forget the four species of spiny echidna." Yeah, well, now that you've read the rest and learned something new, I think you can go shove it up your cloacal vent.

Bird is the d-word

Did you know …

That birds are basically dinosaurs? It’s true! 

Birds are the direct genetic descendants of prehistoric dinosaurs! In fact, many scientists refer to birds as “avian dinosaurs”! Neat, huh? Of course, a term like that is sort of begging the question, but you know how scientists can be. (If you don’t know how scientists can be, this is how they can be: they can be a bunch of jags who won't let you use their lab equipment even when you sent a message to their publicly available university email address saying that you wanted to use it, and they also want to prove how smart they are all the time, which is a bad move if you asked me.)

It should be pointed out, however, that if birds are in fact dinosaurs, they are also probably the worst of the dinosaurs. Most of them aren’t even strong enough to pick up a baby, much less eat it in one gulp, and you can’t even ride a bird (with one or two exceptions). Remember that scene in Jurassic Park where the chubby kid who was inexplicably at a remote paleontological dig pointed out that velociraptors were kind of lame because they were basically big turkeys? He/she was just about right. Turkeys aren’t very cool. Nor are velociraptors for the most part—you’ll find that actual velociraptors were about the size of a dog, and were probably covered in feathers (that’s like having the same red hair as your great nephew, who spends his weekends at the mall trying to look up skirts on the escalator). But at least velociraptors had teeth.

TheBiggest Muscle

Did you know …

Which is the biggest muscle in your body? It’s your arm muscle! Unless you’re a puny weakling or a rugby player. In that case, the biggest muscle in your body might be your leg muscle.

Some people say that the biggest muscle is the heart muscle, but this is very rarely the case. When someone does have an extra-large heart muscle, it’s usually because they love too much, or because they abuse stimulants like cocaine. In either case, they will probably die young. A responsible funeral director will place a mark on their headstone to say whether they were a sweetheart (the sign of a heart), a drug addict (a heart with a dizzy face on it) or both (nested hearts with a dizzy face on them).

The Flintstones Didn't

Did you know …

That the famous Flintstones family never actually interacted with dinosaurs? It’s true. Or false, as it were.

As it happens, the family that the Flintstones was based on lived in a neighborhood where dinosaurs weren’t allowed. What about their lovable pet dinosaur, Dino, you ask? Dino was actually a human being that they treated like an animal. The producers of the Flintstones animated series made the decision to portray Dino as a dinosaur, because they didn’t think that 1960s audiences were ready for a slobbering, naked man to appear weekly on their television sets.

Astro-what?

Did you know …

That the word “astronaut” is not always based on the word “ass”? It’s true!

If you’re talking about men and women who wear space suits and explore the solar system, then “astronauts” is actually based on the Greek word for star, “astron.”

If you’re talking about men and women who wear spacesuits and explore butts, then, yes, “astronauts” in that case is based on the word “ass,” as it pertains to poopers and cheeks.

Bird dreams

Did you know …

That birds dream about what it would be like not to be able to fly? It’s true! Some birds, like New Zealand’s kiwi, try to not be able to fly in their waking life, but it’s not quite the way it is in their dreams. Keep trying, birds, and maybe someday you’ll know the joys of walking around!

Space Race

Did you know ...

That the term "the space race" doesn't refer to a race of space-faring aliens? It's true!

Apparently, "the space race" actually involves some sort of boxing match between an Italian American with fetal alcohol syndrome and a cyborg Soviet Russian. The Cold War was a strange time!

One eye, one horn?

Did you know that …

The song “The Purple People Eater” is based on a real creature? It’s true!

As Sheb Wooley fans no doubt already know, the creature described in the song is not, in fact, a purple colored people-eater. Rather, it is an eater of purple people.

The “creature” was actually supposed to be Robert Oppenheimer. Oppenheimer raised grapes, and was said to name each one individually before eating them. As far as I know, however, Dr. Oppenheimer possessed two eyes and zero horns. Maybe that part was a euphemism?

In the case of Clouds v. Birds ...

Did you know …

That clouds own the sky? It’s true! Some people say birds own the sky, but that’s just not the case. These people are pathetic shills for the bird lobby.

Loyal Cloudists should feel no compulsion to treat Birders with respect, or to honor business agreements with them, or to refrain from kidnapping their children, or to do anything but protect our way of life from the harmful Birder agenda.

Bird-lovers, you offend the natural order of the skies, and your days are numbered. Sleep with one eye open. Or don’t—it won’t make any difference in the end.

Race shmace.

Did you know …

That the concept of “race” is largely a social construct and has no significant basis in genetics? It’s true! In fact, the genetic variation within a particular “race” is typically much greater than genetic variation between supposedly distinct “races.” So any phenotypical generalizations attributed to a race are essentially defeated by the arbitrary divisions between races.

The exceptions to this rule are, of course, Eskimos, who are said to have the ability to see well into the ultraviolet spectrum. Someday I hope to meet a person of Eskimo heritage!

Quotes!

Did you know that …

Famous science people sometimes say famous things? It’s true!

Have you ever heard the expression, “I can smell your blood, child, and it makes me hungry”? Of course you have! Well, it just so happens that the person who coined that phrase was none other than Sir Isaac Newton himself! The story goes that Sir Isaac said it while looking at his nephew, who was balancing an apple on his head. Was he speaking to the apple, or to his nephew? We’ll probably never know, although both the apple and the nephew would one day be eaten. Not by Sir Newton, but by wild cannibals!