Old Scratch's last laugh

The culmination of Halloweek is upon us!

Did you know that …

Old Scratch was the Devil the whole time!? Ho ho ho! Were you tricked into thinking that it was a simple old man, just drinking from a clay jug at the crossroads, who supplied you with this week’s spooktacular factulars? It was not! You should have asked your old grandpa or something—he’d have told you who Old Scratch was! I hope you didn’t bargain away anything in exchange for more science facts!

It’s a common mistake, though, confusing Old Scratch for a simple octogenarian, so don’t feel too bad. Here are some simple ways to distinguish the Devil from the common old man (Geriatricus vulgarus):

-The Devil has a pair of goatlike horns protruding from his forehead, while old men have no horns, or, at most, asymmetrical horn-like lumps on the various bony surfaces of their bodies.

-The Devil is accompanied by an odor of brimstone. Old men smell like egg sandwiches; not unlike brimstone, but with a little bit of mayonnaise to go with it.

-Both the Devil and old men like to talk about old times and Jesus, but the Devil is usually not that into Jesus Christ, while old men are mostly pretty pro-Jesus.

-The Devil wears a pointy goatee or “Van Dyke” beard, but old men usually shave their faces in a pathetic attempt to convince strangers that they are younger than they actually are.

So there you have it! Do you have any additional tips on differentiating an old man from the Devil? Write them in the comments! Or keep them to yourself, and guarantee that your enemies will lose their souls by letting some old man “just take care of it for a little while, eh?”