Robot love songs

Did you know …

That ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny? It’s true! Or so I hear. I really couldn’t say, for one important reason: I’m not a robot.

You see, when someone says “ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny” (or the similarly nonsensical “ontology recapitulates philology”), what they’re really saying, in essence, is “I’m a robot!” Robots say these things because it’s very important to them that they seem smart. Everyone knows that their brains are literally computers, so why do robots feel so compelled to prove their intelligence? Some people believe that it’s because most robots are built without penes, and are nonetheless also programmed with penis envy. Others think that this is simply the only way robots know. Whatever the reason, robots are always saying that ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.

So what do you do when you are able to identify a robot through this characteristic phrase? Kill it, of course!

Ah, but how do you really kill a robot? Even relatively simple androids know enough to conceal their motherboards in unpredictable and/or hard to access locations on their bodies. So simply knockin’ off its noggin isn’t going to do the trick with a robot like it would to a zombie or vampire. No, the only way to be sure is to submerge the ‘bot in a vat of liquid iron. This is what you need to do: first, kick the robot between the legs. Do it as hard as you want, and as many times as you want; it won’t hurt the robot. But to give the impression of normal human pain, the robot will overreact comically. This will go on for an hour or more, plenty of time to put the robot in the trunk of your car and drive it to the nearest steel mill. And then just tip it into the nearest vat! Don’t be self-conscious around the steelworkers—robot melting is a lot more common than you probably think, and, ultimately, another robot is just more metal for the mill!

PS—I don't remember who it is in the photo. Clearly he's some kind of egghead, which is probably why I picked that one.