LHC Peepers

Did you know …

That the famous particle collider, the Large Hadron Collider (or LHC), is over 17 miles long? It’s true!

Nearly 600 feet beneath the border of France and Switzerland, the LHC was built with the primary function of spying on you while you change or use the toilet. Presumably this is facilitated by some sort of magic mirror-like device located at the center of the collider’s great ring.

What we know for certain, at any rate, is that the device is able to receive high-definition images of your naked bod whenever the scientists feel like checking you out. It doesn't matter where you are—this is the largest, most sophisticated scientific device humans have ever constructed, and if it turns its eye towards you, you’re going to be seen. Also, as near as we can tell, it doesn't seem to matter if you’re smokin’ hot or ugbug, or if you're a man, woman, or any variation of the two; those scientists just want to see you naked!

The best you can do is to try to make yourself presentable at all times. That means no funny business when you’re putting your pants on, no constipation faces, and no checking out your balls unless you’re at the doctor’s office. I understand that this makes it difficult for any ball owners to perform self-examinations for testicular tumors, but, frankly, it’s such an undignified act that unless you want an international team of scientists laughing at you, you might as well skip it. :-(

PS—There’s probably a decent joke in there about your genitals being so small that they need a subatomic particle detector just to see them, but there’s a time and place for tomfoolery like that, and it’s not here. There are Frenchmen laughing at you.

Egg mouth and corpse breath

Did you know …

That sense memory is so strong that if you smell like eggs at any point during our interactions, I will forever associate you with the scent of eggs? It’s like the Devil’s farts, and you should really try not to smell like that. Curtis, I’m talking about you. I also imagine you, when I imagine you at all, gnawing through a hard boiled egg, which isn’t super attractive either. Basically, when I think of you, I think of a fart-smelling gremlin with chunks of egg all over its mouth.

The brain works in very strange ways! Why is your (awful) odor the dominant association my brain holds for you, when there are so many other things about you (that are also gross) that it could fixate on?

While I’m at it, Margaret, your breath once smelled like you had been eating a human corpse soaked in gasoline. If you suppose that that’s what I think of whenever you are mentioned, you suppose correctly.

PS—"Curtis" and "Margaret" are not these people's actual names. If you would like to know, specifically, who I'm talking about, just leave your questions in the comments section.

Woms & Dirt

Did you know …

That worms don’t have brains? It’s true! And why should worms have brains? What would they even do with their brains? Probably lose them underground, or leave them out in the rain. That’s worms for you!

Some other things without brains:

-Rocks

-Coins

-Starfish

-Most plants?

-Dinosaur tails (a brain is a pretty specific thing, guys, don’t just throw the term around)

Mucus

Did you know …

That mucus didn’t exist until the 18th century? It’s true!

Apparently, before then “mucus membrane” was just regular tissue, except maybe a little more damp. But in the 1760s, some Dutch alchemist invented mucus, and it just spread everywhere. Some kind of “ice-nine” bullshit.

I guess I’ve always lived in a world with mucus, but sometimes I think it’d be better if that alchemist had been eaten by an alligator or gotten some kind of brain parasite before he ever invented mucus. But c’est la vie, right?

The cranberry deception

Did you know …

That cranberries aren’t actually berries? It’s true!

Cran-“berries” are actually some kind of mushroom, or maybe a species of insect. No one knows for sure. Some people believe that this is the result of a global conspiracy between Ocean Spray and the lizard people, but I’m inclined to think it’s just because nobody cares about cranberries enough to figure it out. And rightly so: cranberries are boring! (Previous Science Facts notwithstanding.)

Bonus fact: So-called “craisins” are something different still! Some kind of petrochemical distillate, I think. I’ll have the team look into it!

Man Bites Wolf

Did you know …

That even when a man bites a wolf or dog, neither party becomes a werewolf? It’s true.

Bonus fact: I’m no longer allowed in the zoo. Which, frankly, is crushing, because I love that place. I mean, Jesus, would someone who hates the zoo enter after normal operating hours just to bite the animals? Think about that, Carl. Think about that, and tell me again what “the obvious, logical solution” is. You wouldn’t know an obvious, logical solution if it broke into your house after normal operating hours and bit you on the hand.

Wolf Bites Man

Did you know …

That when a man is bitten by a wolf or dog, he does not become a werewolf? Sadly, it’s true.

It seems like there’s no way to create a werewolf. Unless …

Famous letters

Did you know …

That famous inventor Thomas Edison was also a prolific letter writer? It’s true!

Nearly every day of his adult life, Edison would pen a letter either in blood or blood-colored ink and hide it somewhere in Nikola Tesla’s home or workspace. The letters would always be very short, and were variations on “I know what you did!!!” or “I’m watching you!!!” or “Sleep tight!!!” or that sort of thing.

Edison never let on that he was the letter writer, and even went so far as to hire a private detective “on poor Nikola’s behalf” to find the source of the notes. Of course the detective was paid to not find anything, and Tesla spent years attempting to damage the portion of his brain that allowed him to read.

Microwave Lovin'

Did you know …

That Percy Spencer, the inventor of the microwave oven, created the microwave exclusively for the purpose of animal abuse? It’s true!

Fortunately for us—because who wants to use a custom-made puppy boiler to cook up their mac and cheese—Percy was never able to actually abuse an animal with his invention. His family knew exactly what he was up to, and watched him like hawks at all times. If Percy even got close to the microwave oven while holding anything alive, his sister or his stepfather would spray him in the face with a plant mister and yell at him until he left the kitchen. Rascal.

Shmerm Shmeory

Did you know …

That so-called “clean rooms” aren’t actually very clean? It’s true! This is because the scientists and engineers who use “clean rooms” are by and large disgustingly dirty people.

Not only do scientists typically not bathe or wash their hands, many scientists actively work to make themselves filthier, like they get some kind of sick pleasure out of it. In fact, I’ve seen a scientist drop his trousers in an alleyway, defecate over his own fist, and then punch another scientist in the face with that same fist. The punched scientist didn’t even wake up, much less react with the appropriate revulsion. Also, both of them were covered in rashes, and the one who was awake had plastic bags for shoes.

Science is a strange country!

Dusty Springfield

Did you know …

That ancient Egypt wasn’t the only place that made mummies? It’s true!

In the 1960s, Springfield, Missouri, also had a thriving mummy industry! I don’t know if it was a cult thing or some kind of tourism ploy, but Springfield was cranking out mummies like you wouldn’t believe! Normal mummies! Dog mummies! Grandpa mummies! If you had a body that you kinda wanted, but weren’t sure what to do with it, you’d get it mummified in Springfield.

So why don’t we see any “Come to Springfield for the Weather, Stay for the Mummies!” highway signs anymore? Because there was a series of strangling deaths in 1968, and pretty much everyone blamed the mummies. Of course, it would later turn out that the chief of police was a sociopath, but the mummy industry never got back on its feet (as it were).

Punting

Did you know …

That “punting” (not the boat thing, the kicking thing) was invented in the 17th century as a means of removing excess puppies from villages? It’s true!

While it may seem obvious now, at the time punting was a tremendous breakthrough, and the result of years of experimentation to determine the best way of sending a puppy-sized object over a wall. Try it for yourself—without special tools, you’d be hard pressed to find a more effective method of getting a small dog airborne.

It just goes to show that anyone can be a scientist!

Special special special

Did you know …

That every snowflake is exactly the same? It’s true!

The supposed uniqueness of snowflakes is a common misconception. In fact, if you look at a bunch of them together, they’re all pretty much the same, at least in any ways that matter. So if anyone ever calls you a unique snowflake, or some other nonsense like that, know that they’re basically just pointing out what a brick you are.

Keep up the good work, brick.

The rice to life

Did you know …

That rice is alive? It’s true!

I don’t mean “alive” like plants are “alive,” I mean actually alive, like an animal. Each grain of rice has thoughts, feelings, and its own story. And each story ends with the rice being mashed into nothing in your horrible, wet mouth.

Old Valentine

Did you know …

That Sir Isaac Newton invented Valentine’s Day? It’s true!

Ok, so, there was a Saint Valentine, but his feast day was typically celebrated by impregnating wealthier women. Newton created Valentine’s as we know it today.

Sir Isaac was never married, and many think that the reason why is related to the genesis of the modern Valentine’s Day holiday. See, Newton was conducting an affair with a much older, much wealthier woman (as was the tradition) we know only as “Lady M.” While Lady M. was married to an even older man, Newton believed that he could still win her heart.

However, on February 13, 1674, Lady M. sent a letter to Isaac informing him that she would not leave her husband. On the following day, Isaac sent a package to Lady M. and her husband. The package contained what is believed to have been the heart of a goat, or perhaps a small deer, and a note reading “Old Valentine will eat your hearts in hell. Love FOREVER, Newt.”

And the rest is history!

Dartart

Did you know …

That scientists’ favorite game is darts? It’s true! It’s because they’re always hoping that someone might get nailed in the eye. Who will we turn to then? That’s right: the scientist.

Well here’s me telling you that if you ever get a dart in the eye while playing darts with a scientist, do not give them the satisfaction of asking for help. Yeah, your eyeball will probably go bad, but it’s the only way to wipe the smirk off a scientist’s face. Also, if you only had one eye to begin with, you should have known better than to play darts in the first place.

Dave Matthews' hand

Did you know …

That some cultures believe Dave Matthews’ hand to be a potent aphrodisiac? It’s true!

Whether or not Dave Matthews’ hand can actually return some jangle to your dangle has not been extensively studied, but poachers nonetheless actively hunt Dave Matthews for his precious hand. In fact, Dave Matthews has been hunted to near extinction, with only one known specimen remaining.

You know, now that I’m actually writing this down, it sounds totally insane. There are actually probably a bunch of Daves Matthews out there, but I’m assuming the story is about the famous Dave Matthews, because “hand” rhymes with “band.” Ridiculous.

Ok. There’s only one thing to do about this. Or three things, technically. I am proposing, right now, out loud on the Internet, a contest of sorts. We’ll see if there’s any truth to this “fact.”

I will pay you, the reader, $200 USD if:

1) You track down the original Dave Matthews and remove his hand from his body;

2) You deliver the severed hand to me; and

3) I am able to successfully seduce myself with the hand.

An aphrodisiac? I doubt it, but we’ll see.

Vampire teeth V.1

Did you know …

That vampire teeth are hollow? It’s true!

If this is surprising to you, you should check yourself a little bit. What do vampires do? They suck blood. Do you suck blood through solid teeth? No, you suck blood through hollow things, like straws, hollow teeth, or syringes. Hollow teeth in this case. You should have known that.

This also means that vampire teeth are very fragile. If you’re ever attacked by a vampire, be sure to punch it right in the teeth. The vampire will very certainly still murder you, because their strength, of course, isn’t contained in their teeth, but there’s a chance that you could crack or chip one of those hollow teeth, and then they’d have to explain what happened to their teeth to the other vampires. That’d sort of be like if you had to tell your fellow idiots down at the sports bar that a mouse gave you a black eye.

The worst color

Did you know …

That the worst color is yellow? It’s true! Want to get car-sick? Try yellow. I mean, pink isn’t great, and orange isn’t going to win a lot of prizes, but at least you can live with them.

Yellow is also the color of your blood when all the blood gets squeezed out of it. Think about what that could mean as a metaphor.

Great with numberssss

Did you know …

That snakes are good at math? It’s true! Probably not all snakes are good at math, and even mathy snakes aren’t necessarily math geniuses, but your average snake can at least do long division in its head. Wild!

Interestingly, when a two-headed snake is born (or hatches, I guess), each head is half as good at math as a normal, single-headed snake. Maybe this is why two-headed snakes don’t live very long!

Also interestingly, because snakes can’t speak or write things down, the only way scientists can tell that they’re good at math is by cutting them open. The equations show up in their guts or something. Yuck!

Horse danger

Did you know …

That horses kill more people every year than sharks do? It’s true!

Ever since the sleeper hit Deep Blue Sea landed in theaters, the world has lived in fear of sharks—I don’t blame anyone for it! Just think of what those teeth could do to you!—but the fact of the matter is that horses kill and eat far more people each year than sharks do. While we avoid sandy beaches for our fear of sharks, every day almost a dozen people are pulled into streams and ponds by hungry, black-eyed horses.

I would never tell you to just go out and start setting horse traps (that has to be your decision), but next time you see one you might at least do something to show it who’s boss. Try throwing a glass of water in its face, or spray painting a penis on its side.

Plastic dreams

Did you know …

That there are very good reasons why no one has invented plastic clothing yet? It’s true!

I know, I know! Everybody except babies and adult nudes needs clothing, and plastic is all over the place, so it seems obvious that we’d just make plastic clothes. But think about this: you can see through a lot of plastic. What good would a bunch of see-through clothing do? Covering our butts is one of the main reasons we wear clothes!

Basically, what I’m saying is that you shouldn’t feel bad if you’ve invented plastic clothes and been shot down. It’s a good idea for a lot of reasons! Even if you called up your lawyer, and had him meet you in a public, yet isolated location (so no one could overhear and steal your idea, or try to tap your phone to do the same), and if you showed up in one of your prototype Plasti-crystal jumpsuits, and even if you really shouted at him when he suggested it might not be worth pursuing a patent, you shouldn’t feel embarrassed. These are mistakes that anyone could make, and if we went around feeling ashamed of ourselves all the time we’d never invent anything. So don’t get down on yourself. Just get a new lawyer, send the old one an apology written on the back of a photograph of his family, and put that (plastic?) thinking cap right back on!

Brainstuff

Did you know …

That people who use .gifs (or, “jiffs,” if you’re going to be a gerk about it) to communicate on the Internet all seem to suffer from a mental condition that drastically reduces their capacity to think and understand? It’s true!

Scientists believe that the condition is related to a prion infection, but, unfortunately, to determine whether or not the .gif user is infected, the brain of the subject must be removed, blended up and baked, or something. So far, every .gif user tested has been infected, but until we can blend up all their brains, we won’t know how strong the association really is. But here’s hoping!

Little lobster mine

Did you know …

That Nikola Tesla was afraid of the sea? It’s true!

We can’t be certain of the root of Tesla’s thalassophobia (word of the day!), but it seems likely that it developed over an 8-day period while working in Thomas Edison’s laboratory. Upon arriving at work on October 6, 1884, Tesla discovered that his desk was enclosed in a large cage made of wood and rope. On the desk was a cheese sandwich. As he entered the cage to investigate the cheese sandwich, the wooden door shut and locked behind him and Edison stepped out from behind a rubber plant, laughing.

Edison had built the cage over the weekend by scaling up plans for a common lobster trap. He refused to release Tesla for more than week, spending those eight days calling him “my stupid little lobster,” and periodically threatening to dump the cage into the sea. Edison even went so far, on at least two occasions, to have the cage (and its Tesla) carted to the banks of the Hudson river and set overhanging the edge of a quay.

By Friday, Edison had become bored with his prank, and returning to work after a long weekend, he was surprised to find a thirsty and disoriented Tesla still in the cage on the following Tuesday. He released the Croatian inventor, and Tesla would never again willingly visit the sea (although Edison would bring him there in a trap several more times.)

Hey there, little fella!

Did you know …

That if you look into the mouth of a sea lamprey, if you look inside very, very closely, you can see a pair of little eyes staring back at you from the darkness? It’s true!

These eyes are your own fear, looking at you, and you should never turn your back on your own fear. As it happens, you should never turn your back on a sea lamprey either (unless you really want, like, a wet, leathery ponytail that drinks your blood), so this is doubly good advice!

Dunston Checked Out

Did you know …

That the film Dunston Checks In was based on a true story? It’s true! It’s the story of a full-grown orangutan who was captured and sent to a five-star hotel to be cooked and eaten at an illegal dinner focussing on rare and exotic game. “Dunston” (he didn’t have a name in real life) wasn’t given enough tranquilizers, however, and he woke up as his crate was passing through the hotel’s loading dock. He easily broke out of the crate (orangutans have nightmare strength, of course) and in the space of two or three minutes slaughtered everyone in the kitchen. Dunston then forced open the elevator doors, and leapt into the empty shaft, and that’s the last anyone ever saw of him! Some people say that he lives in the walls of the hotel still, biding his time until he can escape to his jungle home. Others say that he was crushed to death by an elevator that very same day. Only Dunston knows the truth!

PS—Before researching this, I had it in my head that Dunston was a chimpanzee! He’s not! You learn new things every day!

The Mysterious Eyeball

Did you know …

That the human eyeball is too complicated to have evolved on its own? It’s true! I mean, sure, photosensitive cells aren’t that hard to get your brain around. But how could a depression have formed around them to give them some directional sensitivity? And then how could the opening of that pit have narrowed to limit light intake and allowed for the formation of basic images on the light-sensitive cells? And, really, at that point, is it very likely that a structure like a lens could have developed over the opening to further refine incoming light?

LOL! Of course the eyeball evolved! What, did you think aliens came down and jammed some balls in your stupid head-pits? Geez-louise, get on your horse!