LHC Peepers

Did you know …

That the famous particle collider, the Large Hadron Collider (or LHC), is over 17 miles long? It’s true!

Nearly 600 feet beneath the border of France and Switzerland, the LHC was built with the primary function of spying on you while you change or use the toilet. Presumably this is facilitated by some sort of magic mirror-like device located at the center of the collider’s great ring.

What we know for certain, at any rate, is that the device is able to receive high-definition images of your naked bod whenever the scientists feel like checking you out. It doesn't matter where you are—this is the largest, most sophisticated scientific device humans have ever constructed, and if it turns its eye towards you, you’re going to be seen. Also, as near as we can tell, it doesn't seem to matter if you’re smokin’ hot or ugbug, or if you're a man, woman, or any variation of the two; those scientists just want to see you naked!

The best you can do is to try to make yourself presentable at all times. That means no funny business when you’re putting your pants on, no constipation faces, and no checking out your balls unless you’re at the doctor’s office. I understand that this makes it difficult for any ball owners to perform self-examinations for testicular tumors, but, frankly, it’s such an undignified act that unless you want an international team of scientists laughing at you, you might as well skip it. :-(

PS—There’s probably a decent joke in there about your genitals being so small that they need a subatomic particle detector just to see them, but there’s a time and place for tomfoolery like that, and it’s not here. There are Frenchmen laughing at you.