Dave Matthews' hand

Did you know …

That some cultures believe Dave Matthews’ hand to be a potent aphrodisiac? It’s true!

Whether or not Dave Matthews’ hand can actually return some jangle to your dangle has not been extensively studied, but poachers nonetheless actively hunt Dave Matthews for his precious hand. In fact, Dave Matthews has been hunted to near extinction, with only one known specimen remaining.

You know, now that I’m actually writing this down, it sounds totally insane. There are actually probably a bunch of Daves Matthews out there, but I’m assuming the story is about the famous Dave Matthews, because “hand” rhymes with “band.” Ridiculous.

Ok. There’s only one thing to do about this. Or three things, technically. I am proposing, right now, out loud on the Internet, a contest of sorts. We’ll see if there’s any truth to this “fact.”

I will pay you, the reader, $200 USD if:

1) You track down the original Dave Matthews and remove his hand from his body;

2) You deliver the severed hand to me; and

3) I am able to successfully seduce myself with the hand.

An aphrodisiac? I doubt it, but we’ll see.