The Bieberth Chromosome

Did you know …

That there’s a scientific explanation for The Remarkable Justin Bieber? It’s true!

The Remarkable Justin Bieber has been in the news lately, so if you’re reading this post around when it appeared on the Internet, you probably know more or less who he is.

If you’re reading this a few years in the future, The Remarkable Justin Bieber was an attractive young man who sang songs enjoyed by many people worldwide, and who is currently in the process of a promising career reboot! Look for him in upcoming films and television programs, and buy his new single, “Just a Boyber.”

If you’re reading this further in the future, perhaps off of a server hard drive salvaged from the rubble of New Los Angeles, The Remarkable Justin Bieber was one of our generation’s most powerful and feared cyborgs. He was a controversial figure, as much for the propagandic themes of his popular songs as for the belt of techno-communist scalps that he insisted upon wearing on stage.

At any rate, The Remarkable Justin Bieber is the way he is—a visionary, a genius musician, a provocateur, a relatively short man—because he has more chromosomes than most of us do.

I’m not implying that The Remarkable Justin Bieber has Down’s or Klinefelter syndromes, or that those conditions are anything like Bieber Syndrome. No, The Remarkable Justin Bieber has a much, much rarer combination of chromosomes. He isn’t like you or me. He doesn’t think like we do. He doesn’t worry about the things we worry about. He doesn’t feel the cold. He needs to consume daily pints of fish oil to survive. He can see the wind like a bird. His hair is made of chitin, not keratin. He has no sense of smell, but his thighs detect electromagnetic fields. His nipples are fully functional. He can’t whisper. He feels emotions like a worm feels the dirt—completely and not at all.

While scientists don’t fully understand the mechanisms beneath the Bieberth chromosome, it’s an important thing to keep in mind when we find ourselves judging The Remarkable Justin Bieber against “normal” human standards. We have to take the bad with the good. Remember, the same gene that gives The Remarkable Justin Bieber his beautiful voice also gives him his colorblind eyeballs and nervous wiggling!