The Secret

Did you know …

That paper—common, everyday paper—is made out of . . . trees?! It’s true!

I know. I know! Soft, white, flexible, foldable paper . . . made from trees. Who would have thought? But I have it on good authority that this is the case.

Exactly how paper is made from trees is a closely guarded industry secret, but the answer is fairly obvious to anyone with a keen, scientific mind. Clearly, each sheet of paper is carefully shaved from the stout trunk of a tree, not unlike the way potato chip makers make potato chips. Unlike potato chips, of course, the tree slices are then trimmed into rectangular shapes, sometimes dyed for use by children, and rarely eaten.

You heard it here first!

Shhhh

Did you know …

That the turtle is one of the most secretive of the animals? It’s true!

Scientists believe that turtles keep secrets in their shell, or “vault,” and are physically slowed by the terrible weight of the horrible things they know.

You may have noticed that I wrote “one of the most secretive of the animals”; which are the most secretive animals? The turtle knows, but that son of a bitch isn't saying.

Nou secrets

Did you know …

That the secret ingredient in Snickers bars is … nougat? It’s true.

Nougat is what makes a Snickers bar a Snickers bar, bringing together the various parts to form something greater than the sum of them all. Of course, no one knows what nougat is made of.

Here are some possible secret ingredients of nougat, based on the hypotheses of the world’s leading nougat experts:

-Gum

-Corn syrup

-Bugs

-Bug parts

-Bug reproductive fluid (bug semen, I mean; the semen of bugs)

-Petroleum byproducts

-Palm oil

-Some kind of liver

-Medical waste

-Noble gases

-Whatever clouds are made of

-The laughter of chimpanzees