Cause and Effect: Eating, and what comes after

Did you know …

That it was Sir Isaac Newton, patron saint of gravity, apples, luscious hair, and syphilis, who first discovered that the things we put into our main head-hole (foods) become the things that we extrude from our bottom-vent and seat-splitter (1’s and 2’s).

Obviously humans had observed the occasional connection between their input and output when, for example, they recognized a tooth, coin, or partially digested mouse in their chamber pot, but these things were thought to be flukes and coincidence, and the general consensus was that the bulk of the material produced by the human body was the result of, like, spontaneous biogenesis (or whatever the turd equivalent of that would be, anyway). It wasn’t until Newton came along that all that crap was officially considered to be used food.

Newton believed that using oneself as the subject of one’s own experiments was unethical and bad science, so he set up a long-running trial in which he controlled all the food and non-food items that his neighbor consumed, and observed all of the neighbor’s physical output. (The neighbor, of course, had no idea this was happening.) Eventually Newton declared that he could definitively link what we eat to what we blast. The neighbor, sadly, ended the experiment by dying (you can’t really thrive on alternating meals of uncooked rye and stewed prunes, it turns out), but Newton had nearly five years of data at that point, and he felt that was good enough. It had to be, in any case.

The precise mechanisms through which food turns into human garbage weren’t explored until the 20th century (I think that was an Einstein joint), but that’s a story for another day.

Wild oats

Did you know …

That for a year and a half in Stephen Hawking’s mid twenties, he ate only horse meat? It’s true.

The horse’s name was Napoleon, and the physicist described him as “a dear, dear childhood friend . . . as well as my greatest enemy.” He said of the experience, “it was perhaps the greatest challenge of my young adulthood, the greatest honor, and an ingredient I never once tired of, not even when the frozen gelatin of his hooves was all that remained of wild Napoleon. Huzzah, Napoleon, huzzah and victory. Clomp clomp, chomp chomp, you son of a bitch.”

Great apples

Did you know …

That the apple is one of nature’s most perfect foods? It’s true!

The humble apple makes my Nature’s Perfect Foods List for several reasons.

1) Apples are edible. Unlike many of nature’s foods, such as rocks, logs and clouds, apples can be inserted into the mouth as food and your digestive system is able to treat it as such. Try doing that with sand or, like, copper. I didn’t think so!

2) Apples fit well in the human hand. Again, many rocks and logs are too big to hold in your hand, but apples are just right. This is assuming that you have hands. Other foods also fit in your hand, like berries and pudding, but many people find berries to be too small for a satisfying hold, and pudding is far too sloppy.

3) Apples can also be little houses for worms and bugs. This doesn’t do much for people, but I have to give credit where credit is due. It’s a neat idea, and if I were small enough I would definitely try living in an apple for a while.

4) Supposedly apples keep doctors away. I’ve written about this before, I think, but I can’t recall the details. At any rate, we obviously need doctors sometimes—to pull splinters out of our bottoms, to palpate our rashes, to apply scalp salves, etc.—but there are also bad doctors out there (e.g., Doctor Giggles, Josef Mengele, Patch Adams, and so forth), and it’s a good idea to have an apple on hand in case they come calling.

Apples: Trey ‘em!

Duper

Did you know …

That “superfoods” are like regular foods, except with greater powers and responsibilities? It’s true!

While a normal food might just, for example, fill you up and then make you poop, a superfood might fill you up and then make you poop really hard. Or a normal food could give you healthy, glossy skin and hair, while a superfood might make your skin and hair so vital and lustrous that they constantly make you feel as though you are covered in burning phosphorus. It all has to do with vitamins and stuff.

Here’s a short list of some common superfoods, and what you might expect from consuming them:

-Blueberries: no more tears

-Cranberries: back hair

-Cherries: the power to attract turtles

-Mulberries: the inability to digest mulberries

-Gooseberries: total wisdom of gooselore

-Raspberries: protection from ice

-Blackberries: eternal sleep

-Grapes: the enmity of apes

-Kumkwats: visual perception of gamma radiation

Chewing

Did you know …

That chewing your food before swallowing measurably reduces your risk of choking? It’s true!

Now, this is still no guarantee against choking, but scientists have found that if you, say, chew your foot long chili dog at least a few times instead of shunting it down your throat whole (like normal), you might not choke. It’s a refreshing thought that you might be able to someday eat a chili dog without having to call the EMTs, isn’t it?

There’s a caveat to these findings, however: make sure that whatever you decide to chew is softer than your teeth, otherwise chewing will have no effect beyond potentially shattering some molars. So, for example, chewing chili dogs, marshmallows, white bread or liquid water is fine. Chewing quartz, diamond, glass, or basaltic gravel, on the other hand, may land you in some trouble.

Spiderweek: Through the lips and over the gums!

What's this? Something's crawling over your blanket, up your chin, and toward that disgusting dog food pit you call a mouth! It's ... Spiderweek!

Did you know …

That, depending on where and how often you sleep, you consume between 50,000 and 80,000 spiders a year? It’s true! that’s at least 136 spiders each night—they practically line up and march into your mouth as soon as you close your eyes!

Some people have argued that the notion that a spider or any other small animal would actively crawl into a predator’s mouth is absurd, and that it flies in the face of basically all observational evidence. Still, a lot of people believe it to be true nonetheless, and these people are correct! What the doubting-Clarences are forgetting is that spiders are insane! They’ll do anything, like crawl by the hundreds into someone’s mouth for no apparent reason!

Keep those lips shut tight, junior scientists (not that it will help!)