Thinksgiving: Black Friday

Did you know …

That “Black Friday” was originally a day for getting rid of unwanted babies and children? It’s true! People would bring their least favorite kids out to the woods or a cornfield and shoo them off, White Fang style.

So how did the day we used to call “Lil’ Dumper Day” become the sweet-deals-holiday, Black Friday? Well, people who wanted a kid of their own or some unpaid farm laborers quickly realized that there wasn’t a better day than Lil’ Dumper Day to stock up. It would later get the name “Black Friday” when the Hallmark Corporation tried to rebrand it to sell greeting cards.

Thinksgiving: The Pit

Did you know …

That Thanksgiving is not only an event on the calendar, but also an event in the fabric of space and time? It’s true!

Have you ever heard of gravity compared to weights placed on a rubber sheet? An object with mass pulls down on the sheet, creating a depression and slope that other objects will roll down, like gravity pulling large objects together. It turns out that Thanksgiving (Thinksgiving) works the same way, except that it’s like a weight sitting on the rubber sheet of time.

In my case, I got too close to Thinksgiving and rolled down into its time pit. What was it like down there? Greasy. Greasy and dark.

In any case, it took me only moments to escape the time-well, but when I emerged it was already Sunday and I was lying in the woods surrounded by empty bean cans. Help me, Einstein, you’re my only hope!

Thinksgiving: sweet, sweet potatoes (not sweet potatoes, though)

Did you know …

That wild potatoes are poisonous? It’s true!

In fact, it’s not just wild potatoes that are poisonous, all potatoes are poisonous. But … if all potatoes are poisonous, and you’ve eaten so, so many potatoes, how is it that you haven’t been poisoned? Is that what you’re thinking? Well, you have been poisoned! That’s probably why it took you so long to even think of that question.

Yes, as I type this fact, toxic glycoalkaloids in your blood are slowly destroying your body. Soon you will begin to hallucinate. You may experience paralysis, fever, or hypothermia. Eventually, you will die.

Thinksgiving: Turkey, mashed potatoes and panacea

Did you know …

That cranberries are an effective antidote to pretty much every poison or venom? It’s true!

Many scholars believe that the reason cranberries were served at the first Thanksgiving was that everybody involved believed that everyone else intended on poisoning them. Indians thought that pilgrims wanted to poison them, pilgrims thought that indians wanted to poison them, the pilgrims thought that other pilgrims wanted to poison them, etc. What’s remarkable is that everyone seemed to be correct; there was so much poison at that first Thanksgiving dinner that, even centuries later, nothing will grow on that site. Thankfully, there were also a ton of cranberries there.

Thinksgiving: Ol' buckle-top

Did you know …

That pilgrims’ famous buckle hats were buckled for a reason? It’s true!

Apocryphal histories would have you believe that the pilgrims wore their dark, buckle-hatted outfits for reasons of religious modesty and piety. Not so! The “original pilgrims” at Plymouth were unlikely to have worn these costumes at all—they were more into standard old-timey farmer stuff. Buckle hats, etc, were more favored by a later group, who split apart from earlier groups due to differences in religious beliefs. The new group believed that God & Jesus liked nothing more than for one to smack oneself in the head with a brick (or probably a brick-sized rock in those days). These zealots were so into self-head-smashing that many took to wearing buckled hats to keep their cracked up brainboxes together. Gross!

Thinksgiving: Turkeys

Happy Thanksgiving week! To celebrate America's holiday of having Natives donate things to them, all this week your Daily Science Fact will be on the theme of "Thinksgiving."

Did you know ...

That, contrary to popular opinion, turkeys are the most intelligent bird? It’s true!

I’m sure you’ve all heard anecdotes about turkeys drowning to death by looking up with their beaks open when it rains, and, yes, this is 100% true. Not all turkeys die when it rains, but a significant portion of them do. Then again, pretty much anything can die this way, so I don’t think it makes sense to count it as a strike against turkey intelligence.

The fact of the matter is that turkeys have many, many points supporting their intelligence. Turkeys are good at abstract maths. Turkeys understand syntax and can speak just about any human language given enough exposure. Turkeys are highly artistic.

In contrast, all other birds are extremely stupid. The bald eagle, for instance, is known to peck holes in its own body while trying to scratch its balls (I don't know if they even have balls), and no black capped chickadee has ever held a political stance that was different from its parents'.

Unfortunately, turkeys also hate themselves (probably because of their gross wattles), so most hurl themselves in front of shotguns and onto dinner tables, or just turn their heads upwards in a rainstorm, and end their lives before they ever accomplish much.

Turkeys, you have so much more to offer.