Monday, March 31, 2014

The microbes have it!


Did you know …

That there are more cells inside your body that aren’t you than there are cells that are you? It’s true!

Let me explain! Each of the cells that make up your body, of course, carries your DNA. But our bodies are also home to trillions of single-celled organisms that are not related to us in any way. It’s like your body is some kinda country for germs. And your guts are probably the germ capital. Germs love your guts!

Anyway, this is why it’s important to always act like someone is watching you, because you are in fact being monitored by countless microscopic bugs or whatever. And if you were ever to do something to upset them … oh, man.

Also, come to think of it, if you’ve just had a big meal of lettuce, or dog, or chicken, or anything else that has its own cells, that would further tip the scale of you cells to non-you cells. I mean, those eaten cells would all be dead, but dog meat is made of cells nonetheless and they would all be in your body. If we’re being precise. We have to be precise in science.

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Snip snap snappy


Did you know …

That until 1978 there was no such thing as “scissors”? It’s true!

Prior to that time, whenever someone want to cut something, they would press against it a single blade, not the highly effective paired blades of scissors. They called this device a “knife.” Idiots.

Also, in the same way that we have blunted “safety scissors” for children and the tragically inept, those olden-days people had blunted safety knives. Safety knives were spoons, which just goes to show that kids were also dumber in those days.

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Click!


Did you know …

That cameras steal a little bit of your soul every time you are photographed? It’s true!

Fortunately, the part they steal is pretty much the soul’s equivalent of fingernails. You don’t need that shit, and it will be back. If the cameras want it so goddamn bad, let them have it. Also, keep in mind that cameras have no souls of their own, and are forced to endure existence while looking at souled things, like humans, cats, American cars, and some of the more creative clouds. Give them a break.

Friday, March 28, 2014

The state of the market


Did you know …

That costs are up and sales are down? It’s true!

Ideally, the situation would be reversed—high sales and low costs—but due to environmental and economic conditions not fully understood by scientists, sales are down and costs are up.

What should you do to protect yourself from these unfortunate circumstances? Here’s a quick list of suggestions:

-Convert your assets to gold and bury it in a strangers yard. Because clothes and shovels are also assets, you will do this naked and with a borrowed shovel. No shovel owning friends? Use your hands!
-Get a library card! There’s a world of adventure behind the doors of your local library! Also, many books will have great tips on how to trap and dress small game.
-Watch the stars! Predicting the movements of heavenly bodies may give you an edge over your competitors in the tumultuous marketplace.
-Look inside yourself. Tonsiliths are harmless but gross. Remove them with a waterpick or the back of your toothbrush.
-Buy more, pay less. I suggest dollar stores.

-Sit quietly and wait, so that your death, at least, will be met with dignity.

Thursday, March 27, 2014

The fuzzy tale of the bunnymen


Did you know …

That the human body will not reject grafted-on rabbit skin? It’s true!

While rabbits are of course distinct species from humans, the genetic makeup of rabbit skin is nearly identical to that of human skin, and our bodies do not recognize it as foreign tissue. What’s more is that even individuals whose HLA and blood types make them difficult candidates for human organ transplantation are still able to receive rabbit skin grafts without complications. Sadly, many injured people choose their own horribly disfigured skin over a sleek rabbit skin graft.

On the other hand, there are individuals who actively seek out rabbit skin transplants, whether for cosmetic or cultural reasons. You’ve probably seen these “bunnymen” before and, yes, that’s their real skin and fur (if not the skin and fur they were born with). If you must treat bunnymen differently, do it because the vast majority of them are dangerous sexual deviants, and not because they wear the fine skin and lustrous fur of bunnies. Don’t contribute to rabbit skin transplant stigma.

The Power of Love


Did you know that love is not the most powerful element? It’s true! Not by a long shot!

While some maintain that love is the most powerful force or element in the universe, the fact is that these people are laughably wrong. As far as forces go, even gravity (a weak force) puts love to shame. Can love steer a comet? Not hardly.

There are many elements more powerful than love. I mean, yeah, love can give you cervical cancer, but so can plutonium. And while uranium could power a city for millennia, love can barely keep a boner up for a full episode of The Golden Girls without chemical assistance.

Love and hydrogen have probably ruined about the same number of blimps, but that’s the only concession I’m willing to make. Invest elsewhere!

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Icebreaking


Did you know …

That the popular children’s game “Don’t Break the Ice” is based on Soviet polar bear population management strategies? It’s true!

A quick side note: Is “Don’t Break the Ice” still popular? Was it ever? I don’t think children have anything worth saying, so I don’t speak with them. Never have.

Anyway, the game is played by balancing a model polar bear in the center of a grid of “ice” cubes. The ice cubes are supported by tension provided by an elevated frame. Players take turns hammering out individual cubes, until the network of cubes becomes fracture-critical and the bear falls with the remaining ice, presumably drowning. The player who murders the bear is the loser. The other players don’t exactly “win,” they just continue with their lives without the burden of knowledge that they have killed a bear.

Soviet wildlife managers played a very similar “game,” except they played with arctic sea ice and actual polar bears. And instead of using miniature plastic hammers, they used submarine-based ballistic missiles to break apart the ice. Another major difference is that the object of the game was to sink the bear (or explode it with a missile directly).

At no point in the history of Soviet Russia were polar bears actually overpopulated. Rather, this population management technique was employed based on a long-standing enmity between bears and Russians—they hate each other! Also, when you put a bunch of 25-year-olds in a nuclear submarine packed with missiles, you have to accept that some bears are going to get exploded.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

A case of the Mondays


Did you know …

That the expression “I have a case of the Mondays” is nearly 500 years old? It’s true!

It’s worth pointing out, however, that when the its inventors uttered the phrase they weren’t referring to the small tragedy of returning to work after a nice weekend (Elizabethans worked every day!) Rather, they were declaring their having an actual case of the disease commonly referred to as “the Mondays.” A case of the Mondays was typically characterized by painful buboes across the groin and thighs, as well as by swollen and often ruptured eyeballs.

It’s pretty funny when you think about it, because anyone with a real case of the Mondays wouldn’t need to say so. They’d be like, “I have a case of the Mondays. :(“ and everyone around them would be like, “Yeah, your eyeballs look like mashed grapes and your pantaloons are full of pus, we can see that you have the Mondays.”

Ha ha! Things weren’t so different back then after all!

PS—It’s a little ironic that I didn’t post this on a Monday, isn’t it? But science doesn’t work that way. Bonus fact: “the Tuesdays” were liver flukes.

Monday, March 24, 2014

Inspiration is where you find it


Did you know …

That Henry Ford got the idea for the innovative Model T production line after watching two june bugs interact? It’s true!

Ford was never certain exactly what the june bugs were doing, but nonetheless found them “infinitely inspiring”; he wrote, “whether they were fighting, copulating, or simply engaged in vigorous mutual cannibalism, it was the most intimate and efficient act I have ever seen.”

To understand how this observation inspired assembly line automobile manufacturing, you have to take into consideration that Ford was probably out of his mind on morphine at the time (he usually was), and that the june bugs themselves were likely hallucinations. How they appeared or what they may have said to him is anyone’s guess, although the vision also inspired him to cover his chest and back in tattooed birth and death dates for his entire family (many of whom had not yet died). That could be a clue.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Heart breaker


Did you know …

That the human heart is strong enough to lift a semi-truck? It’s true! Pumping all day is good exercise.

Obviously the heart has no limbs of its own, so it couldn’t really pick up a semi, but there’s a fun way you can test out your own heart’s strength. Go for a short, intense jog—you want to get your heartrate up and keep it there for ten to fifteen minutes—and then stand with your chest pressing firmly against a wall (be sure to pick a wall that you don’t mind damaging). The force of your heart beating against your chest should have been enough to put some fracture lines in the wall, even if it’s cement or brick. Stronger athletes are even able to crack marble this way.

Two warnings:
-Don’t choose a load-bearing wall.

-Don’t exercise for more than 20 minutes. The intensity of your heartbeats would probably break open your rib cage, which would probably kill you.

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Tacky clothes


Did you know …

That when clothing was first invented (~1000 BCE), people fastened it to their bodies with small nails? It’s true! Or, if small nails weren’t available, they’d use larger nails!

It seems pretty crazy that they’d nail flaps of cloth to themselves just to cover up their disgusting holes and danglings, but I suppose it goes to show how much dumber were back then. It wasn’t until the 16th century, when John of Glogow perfected the stapler, that people started clothing themselves the way we do today.

Friday, March 21, 2014

Ottertots


Did you know …

That the average three-year-old is as smart as an adult sea otter? It’s true!

This equivalence has been known anecdotally for years, but recent research has finally documented toddlers cracking molluscs open on their chests, aggressively biting potential mates, removing loose fur from their dense coats, and other behavior typically believed to be limited to marine mustelids.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Garbage disposal


Did you know …

That if a product or its packaging is “biodegradable,” that means a team of material scientists has determined that there is at least a 95% probability that the item will be eaten by coyotes within a week of being discarded? It’s true!

The coyotes, of course, simply digest the item and turn it into coyote shit (see: dirt). This is part of the circle of life. It also means that if you’re using an object that seems to be biodegradable, you should throw it into the street or into a bush when you’re done with it. This will allow the circle of life to rotate unfettered, as opposed to when you throw a biodegradable item into a trashcan or compost bin, which delays hungry coyotes by precious minutes.

PS—I included the image above just because it makes no sense. How weird is this thing?!

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Movie Monday: Twins (1988)


Did you know …

That the Arnold Schwarzenegger/ Danny Devito film “Twins” is completely implausible? It’s true! Sure, we all like a good laugh now and again, but this one doesn’t make any sense.

The film’s Wikipedia entry, which I think I can safely assume was written by Ivan Reitman himself, describes the titular twins as being fraternal. But the very next sentence says that they were the product of a single, split embryo. That’s not how fraternal twins work. Fraternal twins happen when two different eggs get shot with two two different sperms, hence the expression, “get knocked up again before the devil knows you’re preg.”

At any rate, the idea seems to be that the shorter, balder embryo half got all the crap genes that exist in any normal person. This is where things really fall apart for me. If this bizarre gene distribution were actually the case, Devito’s character (let’s call him Arnold Junior, or Arny, to avoid confusion with the Arnold Schwarzenegger character Junior in the film Junior) would be so genetically defective that he’d be unable to draw a breath or stand up, much less survive to adulthood. In fact, I wonder if he’d even receive the genes that instruct your cells to form a recognizable body. He probably would have been born as a big puddle of tissue, like a third placenta (or a second placenta, depending on whether they’re actually identical or fraternal twins). All the street smarts in the world can’t help you if you’re just a pile of goo, Vincent. Sorry, I mean “Arny.”

All in all, I give it a B+.

PS—I know it’s not Monday. You think I’m some kind of genetically defective little Arny, or something?

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Frowny Face


Did you know …

That every little “smiley face” is just an upside down, unhappy mutant? It’s true!

Where do these saucy little freaks live? My guess is that they’re so small that they live among the erythrocytes in our bloodstream. I don’t like such unhappy little creatures swimming around inside of me like that, but what am I supposed to do about it? I’ve taken so many antibiotics already that my guts are basically a clean-room.

Monday, March 17, 2014

All good things . . .

This seems like a good spot to watch the parade. Right on the edge of the street! Only mind the storm grate … oh, not again. Damned if that wasn’t the emerald flash of Greenweek, hiding in the sewer for a peek up my kilt. Greenweek, you are fast wearing out your welcome.


Did you know …


That the American celebration of St. Patrick’s Day is a manufactured holiday invented by Kraft (Philip Morris) in partnership with GlaxoSmithKline as a way to determine the half life of radioactive green dye in the human body? It’s true!


As we’ve discussed previously, St. Patrick is his own thing, and like all the best saints he has his own feast day. But in Ireland “the Feast of Black Patrick” is celebrated in an entirely different way than how we do it in America. St. Patrick has become something of a Krampus figure in Ireland, and each year on March 17 they celebrate by butchering lambs, and then covering their faces and clothing in the lambs’ blood. Then, families will lie in a bloody heap on their living room floor, pretending to be dead. On each doorstep is a pile of dead snakes (or, these days, more often rubber snakes), and on each door is nailed a note reading, “Patrick, we’re already all dead, so back to the Black Pit with you.” Pretty weird, I know, but as Tevye says, “Traditioooon!”


In America, of course, the holiday is very different. What American readers likely understand to be a typical St. Patrick’s Day is actually quite new. Until the mid 1980s, Irish Americans celebrated in much the same way as Irish Irish in Ireland. That all changed with the Philip Morris/GlaxoSmithKline Initiative. The parades, the plastic hats, the green beads, the novelty shirts—all of these things came out of the PMGSKI, and all of them are a smokescreen for the radioactive dye study. What’s more remarkable, perhaps, is that the study isn’t yet complete—PMGSKI scientists haven’t yet determined the length of time it takes for your body to eliminate, through one method or another, half of a dose of Green 84. The upshot of this is that if you drank even a single green beer in 1986 (or any year since), a significant quantity of radioactive dye is still in your body, wreaking havoc on your sperm (seriously, gametes exposed to Green 84 look like microscopic Graboids. Yuck!)

Happy St. Patricks Day, everyone!

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Ireland Afloat

Do you see Greenweek out there, bobbing over the waves towards us? Goodness me, I hope we haven’t been spotted yet. When will Greenweek understand that I just don’t carry change or gum? Oh, nuts, here it comes.


Did you know …

That Ireland is actually a floating island? It’s true! After Australia, Ireland is the largest floating island in the world.

While there are rocks and rocky spots on Ireland’s surface, the island is largely composed of peat moss, empty milk cartons, cigarette butts, and crumpled up old Playboys. Prevailing currents and wind patterns in the North Atlantic usually keep Ireland in the same general location, but during El Niño years it’s not uncommon for Ireland to drift far and wide, bringing depression and leaving red haired babies in exotic lands across the world.

On at least four occasions since the beginning of the 19th century, England has attempted to sink Ireland, but was (obviously) unsuccessful in each attempt. Margaret Thatcher, responsible for two Ireland-sinking campaigns herself, eventually declared the effort to be “like drowning a sack of polystyrene noodles—bloody near impossible and, really, what’s the point?” It was a strange thing for her to say, considering how she was eating a live puppy at the time, which she claimed to “utterly hate,” and yet consumed entirely nonetheless.

Saturday, March 15, 2014

10 Days a Week

Another day, another dollar. Let me just put on my dressing gown and take off my trousers … Ah! What’s that, a-peeping through my window?! Greenweek? Greenweek, trying to get an eyeful of me at my most honest?! Shame, Greenweek, shame.


Did you know …

That it’s still Greenweek, a Celebration of Irish Science? It’s true! But how is that possible? There have already been seven full and proud posts of Irish science facts (assuming, of course, that we include the DSF 6-month anniversary spectacular, and I do include it), so how can this week continue? Ah, but that’s a good question, isn’t it?

The answer is that Irish weeks are different than “normal” weeks, sort of in the same way that dog years are different from human years. I haven’t done the math, but I suspect that this is what makes so-called “Irish twins” possible.

You see, according to Allan Eisenstein’s theory of special relativity, as a body approaches the speed of light, that body experiences time more slowly. Conversely, it seems that the slower a body goes, i.e., the further it gets from the speed of light, the more quickly it experiences time. Ireland is a little slower than most of the world, so they experience time slightly faster—for each “real,” 7-day week, Ireland experiences between 9 and 11 Irish days.

This phenomenon is largely responsible for Ireland’s low life-expectancy (they live fast, but in real world time, it’s only about 51 years), but it’s a great way to make the most of your limited vacation days (if you’re interested in going to Ireland).

Friday, March 14, 2014

The Luck of the Irish

Ah, it’s a beautiful day for a stroll down by the stream. My, what’s that bubbling near the bank? Oh no! It’s Jenny Greenweek, hiding in the reeds! Careful now—if she snatches you from the bank she’ll strip the flesh from your bones, and it will be your own fault. Well now, Jenny, what do you have to say for yourself?


Did you know …

The famed “luck of the Irish” is a real, measurable thing? It’s true!

We’re all familiar with lucky charms, and Lucky Charms cereal, and the supposedly lucky animated child who won’t stop trying to sell the cereal to us, but it turns out that the hearts, stars, horseshoes, balloons, rabbits feet, enemies’ ears, baby teeth, and ritual scarification to which we have so long attributed “luck” probably have very little to do with influencing the odds of the various things that happen to us each day. Wow! What a sentence! Let’s break for a moment.




I’m not saying that you should stop wearing your mouse necklace, only that it’s probably not a particularly lucky object.

No, it appears that the luck of the Irish is much more ingrained than that. In the late 90s, luck experiments were something of a research fad (I guess the grant money was there, so scientists were all over it). Most of the research came to nothing, but several groups found some very interesting associations.

One research team, out of the University of Ottawa, put several dozen test subjects from various nations together in a test chamber, instructed them to strip naked (so none of them could hold or hide any lucky charms), and then dumped buckets of ½” ball bearings on them from holes in the ceiling. While every single subject was injured, the researchers found that the Irish participants fared slightly better overall.

Another study, from the University of Minnesota, started with a similar international subject group and, again, stripped them naked, but this time each participant was given a lucky charm. All of the charms were the front right paws of 1-year-old male albino rabbits, so presumably each would be more or less as lucky as the others (they were randomly distributed to the subjects as well). The subjects, holding their rabbits feet, were then instructed to run across the frozen Mississippi River. The study was held in early March, however, and making any progress across the rapidly breaking ice would require quite a bit of luck. Of course, none of the participants made it entirely across the river before falling under the ice, but the Irish subjects consistently made it farther than those from any other nation.

Several other studies involved various anti-luck devices (black cats, broken mirrors, ladders, etc.), but peer review found these to be so plagued with faulty control and subject selection (there was an astonishing number of convicted arsonists and animal abusers among the participants) that we probably shouldn’t draw anything from the high rate of “spontaneous” cat combustion observed by the researchers.

We can be relatively certain, then, that the Irish are more lucky than the general human population, although the precise mechanisms are still unknown. But whether it’s something in the diet, a genetic quirk, or something else entirely, it’s probably a good idea to have an Irishman with you when you’re up against stiff odds (organ transplant surgery, for example).

Thursday, March 13, 2014

It does have a certain elegance, though

The sun rises on another bright day … but, why, that’s not the morning! It’s the flame red hair of Greenweek, peeking over the outhouse roof. Tall he is, with hair like sun on the water. But what is he doing behind the outhouse? Get out here, Greenweek, and tell us your fact!


Did you know …

That the Irish sport of “hurling” was originally invented as a way to model the solar system? It’s true!

Hurling is, of course, played by two teams equipped with flat wooden bats (or “hurleys,” if you can believe it) hitting, kicking, and running a small leather ball back and forth across a field, with the object of putting the ball into or over a goal. According to historical accounts, Irish astronomers believed that this accurately represented the behavior of the Earth as it traveled through the cosmos. The goals represented the beginning and ending of existence, and the players were either supposed to be astral bodies or “truly big fellows”—that is, space giants just kind of smacking the Earth and each other around.

The game’s origins are over 3,000 years old, and people believed all sorts of crazy crap back then. However, the fact that the game is still played today has to make you a little skeptical of modern Irish astronomy as well.

Some more Irish people of note!
-Frank Sinatra
-Elizabeth Hurley
-Mark Twain
-Babar
-Pope Frottage IV
-Gerry Adams
-Jim Davis, Creator of Garfield



Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Glamrock shamrock

Look there, hidden in the gorse, what is it? Is it a kelpie? The dobhar-chu? A nasty, wee phooka? Dare we go closer? Oh ho! It’s nothing but Greenweek, asleep in the clovers. Best tiptoe around it—Lord knows it’ll be grumpy when it wakes.


Did you know …

That scientists aren’t sure what causes four-leaved clovers? It’s true! Typically, clovers (or trefoils or shamrocks) have only three leaves, but occasionally specimens with four or more leaves appear. Some scientists believe that this is the expression of a rare recessive gene, while others think that it’s the result of an environmentally caused mutation or developmental error. In any case, it’s clear that no one cares enough to figure it out. They’re just goddamn clovers.

The issue gets a little more interesting, however, when you consider the symbolism of the shamrock. Sly old St. Patrick is often depicted waving a big shamrock around like he found the last golden ticket, and its three leaves symbolize the Holy Trinity. But what about a four-leaved clover? Father, Son, Holy Ghost, and … ? Some suggest that the leaves have an entirely new set of meanings; faith, hope, love, and luck. Obviously that’s super lame. How about babes, buds, brews, and beaches? Leonardo, Raphael, Donatello, and Michelangelo? Or the tetralogy of St. Patrick’s day: whiskey, kissme, pisskey, missingkeys? These are all better options than hearts, babytears, Nancy Drew, and Eskimo kisses, or whatever the four things were that I read, wrote, and am unwilling to look at again. Also, I just made up the St. Patrick’s tetralogy, just now, and if I see that show up on a t-shirt or something before I am reimbursed … I swear by the varicose ankles of Patrick that I will track you down and eat your pets in front of your children.

Okay! How about some more of the Great Green List, notable folks of Irish descent?
-Angelina Jolie
-President Jimmy Carter
-First Brother Billy Carter
-Donal Logue
-The Michelin Man
-The inventor of the “wingdings” font
-Dan Rather
-Donatella Versace
-Fozzy Bear

We probably covered this yesterday (again, I’m not willing to look), but ironically St. Patrick himself was not Irish. Not by birth, anyway. So I guess he was a little bit of a liar. I mean, maybe he never actually said that he was Irish, but if you walk around looking like that, you’re really representing yourself in a way that implies that you are Irish. But I guess he’d fit right in in a nation of “storytellers.” Am I suggesting that all Irish people are liars? No.