King Bear

Did you know …

Where the word “baron” comes from? “Baron” is derived from the word “bear”! This is because the very first baron was, in fact, a bear!

According to the records kept by a nearby monastery, in the winter of 987 a Eurasian brown bear (or “bår”) wandered into the hall of Lord Ragnarholm of Normandy. While the animal was almost certainly only looking for food, Ragnarholm believed that it had come to challenge him, and he engaged the bear in unarmed combat. The fight, such as it was, did not last long, and according to the traditions of the ancient Normans, the bear had to take the late Ragnarholm’s place as lord.

While the bear’s raiding skills were admirable (if unpredictable), it obviously wasn’t suited to village administration, and it was soon challenged to another duel. This challenger, and the following three, again made the mistake of requesting unarmed combat. It wasn’t until the fifth attempt that the aspiring usurper thought to bring a spear. The challenger still lost all the fingers on his right hand, and both legs below the knees, but the bear was dethroned. To distinguish the bear lord from other lords (and perhaps in preparation for potential future bear rulers) the title of “baron” was established. And I guess at some point some humans thought it would be cool to call themselves that too.

Is it science?! Why the heck not?

The trouble cleft

Did you know …

That science has a name for your butt crack? It’s true! Science calls your butt crack “the intergluteal cleft.” Way to keep it simple, science ;)

Science also has names for your mouth, belly button, and sexual organs! They are, respectively, “stink-pit,” “mouse hole,” and “The Rescuers Down Under.”

All alone ... but not for long!

Did you know …

How long a person can be alone before they go crazy? Thirty-four hours and twelve minutes! It’s true! When one locks himself (or herself, I suppose) in a ground-floor Motel 6 room on a Wednesday evening at precisely 6:30 PM, he will remain perfectly sane and reasonable until 4:42 AM, Friday!

In the final moments of his sanity, he will glance at the bedside clock before tearing it from the wall and smashing all the mirrors in the room with it. He (or she) will then take the fragments of broken mirror and, with no thought of protecting his own hands, attempt to dissect the room’s pillows and mattress. He might then start to believe that the carpeting is the fur of an immense beast upon which he is riding, and will skin the beast to create for himself a Cloak of Comfort. At this point, police officers will break down the front door of the room, and you’ll be so happy to see other people that they will have to taser you into unconsciousness just so you’ll release my hands from their uniforms!

Scientists don’t yet know the reason why the mental switch for sanity is flipped at this precise time, but, for your own safety, make sure to open a window or something when you get to about thirty-nine hours!

Archimedes was whatnow?!

Did you know …

That the famous Classical scientist Archimedes was … a racist? It’s true! What more needs be said?

The not always right brothers

Did you know …

That the fathers of aviation, the Wright brothers, hated each other? It’s true! Engineering geniuses, they were nonetheless catty and quick to anger. Orville reportedly referred to Wilbur as “Prince Egghead of Virgintown,” while Wilbur was said to call Orville “a hair-covered suskwatch [sic], with two woolly mice mouth-sexing upon his upper lip.”

Though most depictions of their famous day at Kitty Hawk fail to show it, the brothers fought across the wings of their aircraft for the duration of its inaugural flight. There was no clear winner; Orville, afterwards, ordered “six pounds of crystal ice for the de-inflammation of [his] scrotal purse,” and Wilbur was seen applying a poultice of curdled milk, cobwebs and “the fatte of sheep’s wool” to his bare chest for the next several days. “I focussed my strong kicks on Orville’s manly fork to great effect,” he would write, “but mine brother possesses finger-claws of great sharpness and strength, and he has eyes for nothing but the nipples.”

Great minds do not always reside in cool heads, eh?

Some Elements

Did you know …

That the most boring element is boron? It’s true! And the element that is currently preventing you from forming emotional connections with other people is lead. That’s right, lead!

Lead and boron are your elements. Don’t feel bad, it’s just the way you are!

Flaming hot science!

Did you know …

How hot fire is? It’s very hot! Unfortunately, scientists have now way of knowing exactly how hot fire really is, but they have made a list of things that are made of fire. Here is a small part of that list:

The top of a match

The sun

Campfires

The insides of fireworks

Possibly lasers

Dragons’ breath

Can you think of anything else that’s made of fire? Write it down and send it to your local scientist—she’ll add it to the list, if it’s not already there!

In the cups with the scientific process

Did you know …

The number of times you can poop into a cup before they send you to jail? Only once, if a policeman is watching you! Once tops, because you might not even be able to finish, especially if the cup belongs to the policeman!

Am I guessing? No! Here’s an important thing about science: we can gain information about the world through science by observing phenomena, making our best guess as to what causes that phenomena, and repeating what we observed to see if the same thing happens again. What’s “true” is difficult or impossible to pin down, but we can obtain a detailed, functional understanding of the world around us this way. If new evidence presents itself at some point, we can re-evaluate our understanding, and try to form a better guess about what causes the thing that happens to happen. If you follow.

So if we’re trying to connect dots between pooping in cups and being pulled into  squad car with your pants around your ankles (and ultimately ending up in jail), if we really want to say “This thing leads to that thing,” then we need to design an experiment that will allow us to see whether our original observation can be replicated. In this case, it can! After repeating the experiment a reasonable number of times (or what a judge would completely ironically call “an unreasonable number of times”), we can say with confidence that, for the time being, under these circumstances, pooping in a cup only once can lead to you seeing the inside of a jail cell.

Science is an amazing tool!

Robot love songs

Did you know …

That ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny? It’s true! Or so I hear. I really couldn’t say, for one important reason: I’m not a robot.

You see, when someone says “ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny” (or the similarly nonsensical “ontology recapitulates philology”), what they’re really saying, in essence, is “I’m a robot!” Robots say these things because it’s very important to them that they seem smart. Everyone knows that their brains are literally computers, so why do robots feel so compelled to prove their intelligence? Some people believe that it’s because most robots are built without penes, and are nonetheless also programmed with penis envy. Others think that this is simply the only way robots know. Whatever the reason, robots are always saying that ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.

So what do you do when you are able to identify a robot through this characteristic phrase? Kill it, of course!

Ah, but how do you really kill a robot? Even relatively simple androids know enough to conceal their motherboards in unpredictable and/or hard to access locations on their bodies. So simply knockin’ off its noggin isn’t going to do the trick with a robot like it would to a zombie or vampire. No, the only way to be sure is to submerge the ‘bot in a vat of liquid iron. This is what you need to do: first, kick the robot between the legs. Do it as hard as you want, and as many times as you want; it won’t hurt the robot. But to give the impression of normal human pain, the robot will overreact comically. This will go on for an hour or more, plenty of time to put the robot in the trunk of your car and drive it to the nearest steel mill. And then just tip it into the nearest vat! Don’t be self-conscious around the steelworkers—robot melting is a lot more common than you probably think, and, ultimately, another robot is just more metal for the mill!

PS—I don't remember who it is in the photo. Clearly he's some kind of egghead, which is probably why I picked that one.

Twinsies

Did you know …

That all rabbits are twins! It’s true! Every rabbit is born with an identical twin. However, because of rabbits’ natural tendency to kill things that look just like themselves (ever try holding a mirror up to a rabbit? Yowza!), the first baby rabbit to open its eyes immediately eats its twin.

So every time you see a rabbit, know that it killed its own brother!

Long, thin, slimy ones, etc.

Did you know …

That sometimes people have worms inside of them? It’s true!

You probably knew this already, but it’s been in the news recently. It turns out that King Richard III had roundworms! In honor of this new discovery, here’s a list of other famous leaders known to have had worms:

1. Hannibal of Carthage

2. Margaret Thatcher

What a world!

I think so too!

Did you know ...

That while adult elephants drink by using their trunks as a sort of giant cup (they fill their trunks with water, and then spray it into their own mouths), baby elephants do not use their trunks to drink? It's true!

This is because baby elephants think that filling their noses with hot elephant milk is gross!

The King of Monsters

Did you know …

That the classic movie monster “Godzilla” was actually based on a real animal? It’s true, he was!

According to Godzilla’s creator, Shigeru Kayama, the idea for Godzilla came to him when he was a child as he sat on his balcony and watched a Japanese green anole lizard stand on its hind legs to grab a sleeping cricket.

Of course, the King of Monsters isn’t famous for snatching crickets. Where did his city-destroying habits come from, then? Rumor has it that little Shigeru was locked out on the balcony because his parents were holding another of their blindfold-orgies. By the time he finally jiggled the lock open all the guests had left, and Shigeru found his father, naked and still blindfolded, passed out on the wreckage of Shigeru’s prized model train set.

Some say that Dr. Serizawa’s line to Hideto Ogawa in the film is a direct reference to Shigeru’s feelings after the incident:

“Ogata, humans are weak animals. Even if I burn my notes, the secret will still be in my head.”

Phone who?

Did you know …

That the eponymous character of “E.T.: The Extra-terrestrial” was not a real alien?

It’s true! The Extra-terrestrial, also known as E.T., wasn’t a real alien. “He” was actually a hybrid between a puppet and a costume! E.T.’s body was made of wet leather wrapped around a chicken-wire frame. Inside the frame was a stool and a network of strings controlling the construction’s limbs and head.

Several children were first cast to operate the E.T., under the assumption that they would relate better to the many child actors of the film. Upon being told that they would not be included in the end credits, the E.T. operators became jealous of the featured children and sabotaged multiple scenes. A loosened wheel on Elliot’s bicycle even resulted in several lost teeth. This behavior, combined with difficult child labor laws, eventually led the filmmakers to replace the child operators with adult little people.

Why didn’t the film use a real alien in the part? No one knows!

Bonus fact: E.T.’s famous glowing heart (pictured above) was actually an accident! During the filming of that scene the actor inside was attempting to light a cigarette and accidentally set the interior of the costume on fire! Yowch!

He died right away.

Also known as "Warren's Bird"

Did you know …

Which was the most scientific US president? Why, it was the original “Warren G,” President Harding! While Harding, like every other US president, campaigned almost exclusively on the “science is a tool of the devil” platform (his most popular flyer during the race read “No more wizards” next to a drawing of a doctor with an X over it), he once inadvertently named an entire species of bird.

The story goes that President Harding was having a “Presidents only” picnic by himself in the White House garden. His chief of security, waiting in the garden shed, came running when he heard two gunshots. It turned out that the President had fired his own revolver, the first time, at a bird perching on the picnic blanket, and then fired again to summon the security chief to remove the dead animal from his sandwich. The line he used was, “Get that cooter-bird off my bread stack, Thomas!”

As it happened, Security Chief Thomas was an amateur ornithologist, and recognized neither the name nor the bird. The President, of course, was simply using an improvised cuss word, but over the course of attempting to identify the bird at the Smithsonian, Thomas repeatedly referred to it as a cooter bird. Previously unclassified, the name stuck!

President Harding would later go on to ensure the eradication of that species through a very specific Executive order … but that’s a fact for another day!

Monkey (or) Baby?

Did you know …

That most of what we think of as “monkeys” are, in fact, young humans?

It’s true! Before a person reaches adulthood, they go through a phase during which we call them “babies.” Before subjecting our offspring to the harsh realities of the world we’re familiar with, mothers send their babies to live in the jungle. Jungles, with their mild climates and abundant food, act as nurseries for the young humans.

After six or seven years among the trees and pumas and things, the babies reach adulthood, and return to the city, where they begin “kindercollege” and learn the skills necessary for driving trucks, drawing with crayons, and achieving diabetes!

Tesla's Turtles

Did you know…

That the famous inventor and original steampunk haberdasher Nikola Tesla hated, hated, hated turtles? It’s true!

In Tesla’s private diaries* he never once mentions turtles without also including the parenthetical “(which I hate, hate, hate).” Tesla scholars are uncertain as to the origins of his animosity, although there are unsubstantiated rumors that Tesla’s back was covered in small, diamond-shaped beak scars. In any case, Tesla said of turtles, “throughout mine childhood, turtles (which I hate, hate, hate) were ever the nut I couldn’t crack.” Once the inventor had his own workshop, he set his mind to creating the perfect turtle cracker. Better known for his work with electricity, Tesla’s turtle cracker was nonetheless an astonishing achievement in hydraulics. Unable to find a suitably continuous supply of turtles, Tesla’s team never found the machine’s upper turtles/minute limit.

Turtle bones and broken shells can still be found on the property behind the Wardenclyffe tower facility in drifts up to seven feet high.

*Tesla’s diary was stolen by Thomas Edison in 1887. Edison had the volume printed in full in the New York times in an effort to embarrass his rival**.

**The scheme should have worked; among other embarrassments, Tesla kept a daily “pooper log,” drew idealized nudes of his own body, and makes numerous references to starting fires in New York City alleyways. However, Tesla’s personality was such that he never even thought to be embarrassed by these things***.

***Hans Asperger would later refer to Tesla as “the original ass-burger.” But that’s a story for another day!

Longlegs

Did you know …

That “daddy longleg” spiders’ teeth aren’t big enough to pierce human skin? It’s true! And it’s a good thing, because scientists have found that daddy longlegs just love to bite!

Bonus fact:

Daddy longlegs are also known as “harvestman spiders”! This is because 18th century farmers observed the bugs carrying individual grains of wheat, and believed them to be stocking larders for the winter. The tiny “harvestmen” were actually carrying the grains to the farmers’ own silos with the hopes that the wheat could be traded to the farmers for the opportunity to bite them. They love to bite!

Bonus bonus fact: Daddy longleg spiders are, in fact, not actually spiders! So what are they? That, my friends … is a fact for another day!

Leprosy does it too!

Did you know …

The origins of the expression “an apple a day keeps the doctor away”?

Is it because apples are so good for you? Well, scientists have found that people who eat at least one apple every day tend to live, on average, 30 years longer than people who don’t eat apples, or people who eat them only occasionally. However, while apple-eaters are generally much more long-lived, they are also riddled with worms, and if you’ve ever had worms you know that that means plenty of trips to the doctor!

The saying actually stems from the older expression “an apple a day keeps the darkness at bay.” This came from the mistaken belief that eating apples prevented the sun from setting. Seeing as how apples are harvested in the fall, when the days will become shorter no matter how many apples you eat, scientists have found that the inventors of this saying were, in fact, idiots. Who were these card-carrying idiots? The Dutch!

Until next time, my little Promethei!

Star power!

Did you know …

That the smallest star in our galaxy is known as H47, and it can be found just above Cassiopeia! H47 is only about the size of a pickup truck … but if you were to try to drive there in a pickup truck, it would take you more than 70 years!

What a hoot!

Did you know …

That owls don’t actually have brains? It’s true!

Instead of a true brain, owls rely on a cluster of nerves and bones that allows them to respond to simple stimuli. Spread out, this nerve cluster looks a little like a dreamcatcher!

Without a brain, owls have no memory. On one hand, this means that owls are unable to remember their own names. On the other, it means that you can rename your owl whenever you feel like it!

The cat's "meow"

Did you know …

That cats don’t actually “meow”? They don’t!

The sound we think of as a meow is actually produced by a cat rubbing its ridged foreleg against its resonant thoracic cavity, creating a squeaky, chirping noise. This is the reason we call cats “nature’s fiddlers.”

Now that you know, think about the old nursery rhyme:

High diddle diddle,

The Cat and the Fiddle,

He pranc’d all over the keg.

The little dog laugh'd to see such Craft,

And the cat strok’d his gut with a leg.

Makes a lot more sense now, doesn’t it?!

Until next time, Junior Scientists!